Fright Club

Fright Club: White Death

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We’re buckling under blustery weather and offensive temperatures. We require more degrees! Why not just embrace the White Death? These films certainly do, so snuggle in with a big blanket and look at how much worse you could have it in this wintery weather.

5. Frozen (2010)

No, not the Disney film. In this skiing mishap, three friends hit the slopes one afternoon. They con their way onto the lift for one last run up the hill. But they didn’t really have a ticket to ride, you see, and the guy who let them take that last lift gets called away and asks a less reliable colleague to take over. That colleague has to pee. One thing leads to another. So, three college kids get left on a ski lift. It’s Sunday night, and the resort won’t reopen until Friday. Wolves come out at night. This is a brisk and usually believable flick. Sure, it’s Open Water at a ski resort, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.

 

4. 30 Days of Night (2007)

If vampires can only come out at night, wouldn’t it make sense for them to head to the parts of the globe that remain under cover of darkness for weeks on end? Like the Arctic circle? The first potential downfall here is that Josh Hartnett plays our lead, the small town sheriff whose ‘burg goes haywire just after the last flight for a month leaves town. A drifter blows into town. Dogs die viciously. Vehicles are disabled. Power is disrupted. You know what that means…the hunt’s begun. Much of the film’s success is due to the always spectacular Danny Huston as the leader of the bloodsuckers. His whole gang takes a novel, unwholesome approach to the idea of vampire, and it works marvelously.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xAJGjPQpOM

3. Dead Snow (2009)

You had us at “Nazi zombies.” A fun twist on cabin-in-the-woods horror, this film sees a handful of college kids heading into a remote mountain cabin for some winter sport fun and maybe a little lovin’. Dead Snow boasts some of the tongue-in-cheek referential comedy of the outstanding flick Cabin in the Woods, but with a great deal more actual horror. It’s grisly, bloody, hilarious fun. Its 2014 sequel Dead Snow 2: Red Versus Dead is also a very fun choice!

 

2. The Thing (1982)

For our money, this is John Carpenter’s best film – isolated, claustrophobic, beardtastic, and you can get frostbite just watching. A group of Arctic scientists take in a dog, but he’s not a dog at all. And soon, most of the scientists are not scientists, either, but which ones?! The FX still hold up and so does the chilly terror.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoAuJaN78Hk

 

1. The Shining (1980)

Because that’s what could happen if you wander outside right now. You might find yourself lost in a maze, icicles hanging from your eyebrows, your bloody axe frozen to your cold, dead hand. Not that anyone inside is much better off. Enjoy Stanly Kubrick’s masterpiece of family dysfunction, Gatsby-style partying, Big Wheel love and bad carpeting. It’s never a bad time to watch The Shining.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G7Ju035-8U

Listen to us cover this in more depth and goofiness on our Fright Club podcast!

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A Pretty Fun Neighborhood

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The DUFF

by George Wolf

The DUFF may not be the best teen movie ever made, but after the string of If I Stay‘s and Fault in Our Stars‘s the last few years, it feels like Citizen Kane. Characters, humor, smarts, acting…what a nice change.

It’s based on a “young adult” novel by Kody Keplinger and centers on Bianca (Mae Whitman) a high school senior who is aghast to learn she is known in social circles as a DUFF – the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Ouch. Even though she is assured the label doesn’t mean she’s ugly and/or fat – just the one people use to get to her hotter, more popular friends – Bianca feels some changes are in order.

First, she breaks up with her longtime besties, then turns to her neighbor Wesley (Robbie Amell) – who just happens to be the football captain and a certified Mr. Popular – for advice on how to shed her DUFFness and catch the eye of her big crush, Toby.

So, yes, it’s a white suburban makeover movie with an outcome that’s never in doubt, but The DUFF is saved by winning performances and a confident self- awareness that trusts its audience enough to aim higher than YA melodramatic angst.

Josh A. Cagan’s script serves up all the teen movie staples, but does so with a lovable wink that never becomes outright parody, while it also manages to touch on some serious issues (cyber-bullying, hurtful stereotypes) with an amusing subtly. Even the overused devices of narration and lessons-I’ve-learned essay writing don’t seem quite so tired here.

Director Ari Sandel provides a lively pace and plenty of visual flair, surrounding Bianca with flashbacks, fantasy sequences and on-screen graphics. Think Mean Girls meets Scott Pilgrim, and you’re in the neighborhood, a pretty fun neighborhood.

Whitman (one of the few bright spots in The Perks of Being a Wallflower) is a treat, and she carries the film with a winning performance that shows a real flair for comic timing. Amell (TV’s The Tomorrow People and The Flash) is just as good, creating a genuine chemistry with Whitman that is perfectly endearing. Rather than the one-note fawning hot boy and the girl with hidden specialness, The DUFF gives us main characters that seem human, and both Whitman and Amell take advantage.

Okay, so maybe it does dip a toe in sentimental waters once or twice, but The DUFF has enough going for it to make it a breezy charmer. And I didn’t even mention the great Alison Janney as Bianca’s mom!

 

Verdict-3-0-Stars

 

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Let’s Not Do the Timewarp Again

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Hot Tub Time Machine 2

by Hope Madden

Every year or so there’s a film that simply should not work, but does. Machete. Kick-Ass. Hot Tub Time Machine. And every year or so, Hollywood leeches what it can from the fresh, silly, undemanding body of that film with a lifeless and inexplicably mean-spirited sequel. I give you: Hot Tub Time Machine 2.

Lou (Rob Corddry) turned his miserable life around at that ski resort in 2010/1986. Or not. Turns out, Lou is still a big problem in that he’s a toxic asshole, so someone shoots him and it’s up to his remaining friends (Craig Robinson, Clark Duke – John Cusack is noticeably, wisely absent) to fire up the hot tub and stop the murder before it happens.

The fact that the hot tub sends them to the future hardly matters in this lazily scripted semen joke of a film.

Gone entirely, along with Cusack, are the charm and good nature of the original, the light heartedness that offset the darker edges and made the toilet humor and sex jokes almost endearing. It was a nostalgiafest, complete with “I want my two dollars!” shouted at John Cusack from a ski slope. Priceless.

With no such built in fondness for 2025, and Corddry in the lead, the sequel is just a smattering of self-referential gags held together with homophobia and misogyny.

Corddry is a magnificent, unseemly talent, but he’s not a lead. With Lou in the center of the film, rather than the charming, curmudgeonly everyman of Cusack, the movie substitutes an anchor for flailing misanthropy. That’s hard to build on.

The lack of a lead is one of the film’s larger concerns. Corddry, returning time-tripper Craig Robinson, and new 4th wheel Adam Scott are all comic talents, but also all side characters.

With Steve Pink returning to direct another script from Josh Heald, you might think lightning could strike twice, right? No. Let’s be honest, no one thought this film would be any good. We’re all still stunned that the lightweight goofiness of the original was as entertaining as it was. Who knows how that worked, but whatever ingenious, low-brow magic put Crispin Glover (two arms or one) at that ski lodge, it’s missing from the sequel.

But rape jokes are always funny, right?

Verdict-1-5-Stars

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Running Down a Dream

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McFarland, USA

by George Wolf

Once, during one of my high school cross country meets years ago, a teammate and I were running together when we came upon a runner from another school who had collapsed in pain. As we passed our rival, my teammate looked down at him and unleashed a string of expletives meant to wish him anything but well.

The point is, I wanted to tell that story and reviewing a film about high school cross country seemed the best time to do it.

McFarland, USA, is the latest from Disney’s division of inspiring sports stories, and it’s a perfectly pleasant if unremarkable take on… an inspirational sports story.

In the late 1980s, a high school teacher and coach named Jim White started a cross country team in the small, mostly Hispanic town of McFarland, California. Despite very humble beginnings, the team won the state championship in its very first year and didn’t look back, ultimately becoming a powerhouse program.

It really is a nice underdog tale, and I’m surprised it took this long to get a film adaptation. It comes complete with the “white savior” angle, and an understandable logic in telling it from his point of view. Coach White’s (even his name is tailor made for suburbia!) status as the main character doesn’t hit you like a blind side (pun very much intended) of manipulation, and there are ample opportunities to make salient points about the changing fabric of America.

Though the script isn’t as serious about these issues as it could have been, at least the effort is there, buoyed by some graceful direction from Niki Caro (Whale Rider, North Country). We learn, as the coach does, about a segment of the country that’s often out of sight and out of mind. But as the team comes together and lessons are learned, the film is content to keep the cultural issues broadly drawn, toeing an awkward line between awareness and pandering.

As Coach White, Kevin Costner gives the film exactly the type of rock solid anchor you would expect. Through the periods when the narrative seems less than believable and his supporting cast wavers, Costner’s earnest authenticity provides constant forward momentum. And though Maria Bello’s role is reduced to the obligatory supportive helpmate, she and Costner do manage a sweet chemistry.

A touching introduction to the real people of McFarland, USA ensures the film hits the finish line on a high note, even if the result isn’t quite one for the record books.

 

Verdict-3-0-Stars

 

 

 

 

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Spike Lee’s Next Remake

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Back in 1973, sandwiched between blaxsploitation classics Blacula and its sequel, Scream Blacula Scream, Philadelphia playwright Bill Gunn quietly released his own Africa-rooted vampire tale, Ganja and Hess. Critically acclaimed yet virtually unseen at the time, the film has been lovingly reanimated by Spike Lee.

Da Sweet Blood of Jesus follows wealthy academic Dr. Hess Green (Stephen Tyrone Williams) through a very life-altering couple of weeks.

As in G&H, Hess suffers an addition to blood after being attacked with one of the ancient African artifacts he collects. He soon falls for his attacker’s brassy ex-wife Ganja (Zaraah Abrahams).

Though Lee’s film is nearly a shot for shot remake of Gunn’s, he wisely cuts and tweaks certain scenes to effectively update themes and improve pacing.

Vampire tales are always metaphorical, and Lee certainly keeps with this tradition. While Gunn’s original used the traditional vampire movie tropes to examine the era’s racial and cultural tensions, Lee’s film grounds the same examination with more modern concerns.

The object of Gunn’s wrath was, among other things, the cultural imperialism of the white majority. Lee puts this on the back burner in favor of more parasitic epidemics. Lee likens the spread of vampirism to irresponsible sex, leaving its own form of neglected children and disease in its wake.

Lee’s version also has a little more sly fun with race relations, injecting the picture with welcome comic relief now and again. Rami Malek, for instance, is an understated hoot as Hess’s uptight, formal butler.

Lee has less luck with the rest of his cast, though.

Gunn’s titular characters – Duane Jones (Night of the Living Dead) and the stunning Marlene Clark – were charismatic romantic leads. Abrahamson has all the swagger but none of the smolder, while Williams lacks the passion and gravitas Jones wielded so naturally.

Williams is the larger problem. The film opens with breathtaking footage of the actor dancing across NYC – his fluidity and grace are gorgeous. His acting, on the other hand, is as rigid and unbreathing as anything you’ll ever see.

There are also simple storyline problems that Lee neglected to address, and without the compelling romantic relationship to distract you, they are more glaring now than they were in ’73.

It’s not Lee’s first or worst misstep with a remake, and Sweet Blood certainly holds up better than his 2013 remake debacle of Chan-wook Park’s classic Oldboy. That film may have suffered from Hollywood entanglements, a problem Lee sidestepped this time around by crowd funding. But his limited budget likely led to actors who were not quite up to the task.

Verdict-2-5-Stars

Outtakes, Slider

And the Oscar Goes To….

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We are thrilled to be able to co-host the Oscar Red Carpet Bash at the Drexel Theater this week. Please join us Sunday a the Drexel (2254 E.Main St.) Sample delicious wares from local restaurants and wear your fanciest duds or dress like someone in one of the nominated films for a chance at prizes. We’ll also be handing out prizes for trivia as well as for the closest predictor of the Oscar winners.

In case you’re on the fence, we thought we’d put together our own list of Oscar’s likeliest winners.

Best Picture

American Sniper
Birdman
Boyhood
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
Selma
The Theory of Everything
Whiplash

One of this year’s few tight races, the best picture contest comes down to one brilliantly told, magical tale told from the inside of celebrity versus one unrelentingly and somehow magically realistic picture of childhood. The push over the cliff for us are all the telltale awards in recent weeks from the Screen Actors, Directors and Producers guilds – all with Oscar pool overlap.

Should Win: Boyhood 

Will Win: Birdman

Got Snubbed: Nightcrawler

 

Best Director

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Birdman
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Morten Tyldum, The Imitation Game
Bennett Miller, Foxcatcher

Whenever Best Picture’s a toss up, you can expect the nod for directing to be just as close a race. Oscar could split – one to Birdman, one to Boyhood – but we get the sneaking suspicion that one film will mop up the two top prizes.

Should Win: Richard Linklater, Boyhood 

Will Win: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Birdman

Got Snubbed: Ava DuVernay, Selma

 

Best Actor

Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

Here’s the only performing category with much of a race going on. The bet is between beloved veteran Michael Keaton for his fearless performance in Birdman against talented semi-newcomer Eddie Redmayne with his turn as Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. It’s a close one, but not too close to call.

Should Win: George says: Bradley Cooper, American Sniper

Hope says: Michael Keaton: Birdman

Will Win: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

Got Snubbed: David Oyelowo, Selma; Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler

 

Best Actress

Marion Cotillard, Two Days One Night
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild

Here begin the easier calls to make. In a relatively weak field, Julianne Moore shines all the brighter regardless of the fact that the film Still Alice is not especially strong.

Should Win: Julianne Moore, Still Alice 

Will Win: Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Got Snubbed: Essie Davis, The Babadook

 

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Duvall, The Judge
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

In a year full of locks, no race is more of a foregone conclusion than this. Though we do feel badly for Edward Norton, sporting the very best performance of his impressive career, there’s really only one option.

Should Win: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Will Win:  J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Got Snubbed: Josh Brolin, Inherent Vice

 

Best Supporting Actress

Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Laura Dern, Wild
Emma Stone, Birdman
Keira Knightly, The Imitation Game
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods

This one may not be locked up quite as tight, but you can be pretty confident that Alabama Worley will finally get her justs.

Should Win: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Will Win:  Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Got Snubbed: Viola Davis, Get On Up; Tilda Swinton, Snowpiercer

 

Best Original Screenplay

Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo   Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) 
Richard Linklater   Boyhood
E. Max Frye and Dan Futterman    Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson; Story by Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness  The Grand Budapest Hotel
Dan Gilroy Nightcrawler

What an insanely great year for original screenplays! Truth is, you really can’t go wrong with any of these. There’s a good chance the award will go to Birdman in a huge awards-grab, but we think smart money is with another brilliantly crafted piece of writing.

Should Win: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Nicolas Giacobono, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr., Armando Bo, Birdman

Will Win:  Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel

Got Snubbed:  Ruben Ostlund Force Majeure; J.C. Chandor,  A Most Violent Year

 

Best Adapted Screenplay

Jason Hall  American Sniper
Graham Moore  The Imitation Game
Paul Thomas Anderson  Inherent Vice
Anthony McCarten  The Theory of Everything
Damien Chazelle   Whiplash

It’s another tight race and honestly, it wouldn’t surprise us if the Oscar went to any of these writers. Well, it might surprise us (pleasantly!) if Paul Thomas Anderson’s  Inherent Vice won, but otherwise, the field’s wide open.

Should Win: Damien Chazelle, Whiplash

Will Win:  Damien Chazelle, Whiplash

Got Snubbed: Paul Webb, Selma

 

Keep us honest – join us Sunday night at the Drexel and keep track of our hits and misses while you enjoy the Oscar broadcast, some delicious food and beverages, and win big prizes. For more information, visit www.drexel.net.

Hope to see you there!

 

 

 

Outtakes

Join us for the Red Carpet Oscar Bash!

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We’re excited to be back as your hosts for the Red Carpet Oscar Bash at the Drexel Theatre!

Sunday, February 22
6:30 pm doors open / 8:00 pm telecast

Drexel Theatre
2254 E. Main St.
Columbus, Ohio 43209
Fax: (614) 231-9958

For the 18th consecutive year, the Drexel invites you to walk the Red Carpet and mingle with Columbus movie fans for HOLLYWOOD’S BIGGEST NIGHT presented LIVE ON THE BIG SCREEN in stunning HD! You won’t want to miss a minute of the glitz and glamour as filmland’s favorites claim their golden statues!

Walk the red carpet and be cheered by autograph seeking fans and paparazzi, enjoy delicious hors d’oeuvres from area restaurants and specialty themed drinks at our cash bars. Come in your most glamorous attire or dress-up as a nominated star or movie, and win fabulous prizes. During the commercial breaks, we’ll award exciting prizes with fun contests!

Think you can correctly pick the most winners? Enter the annual “Pick the Winners Contest” to win a year of free movies at the Drexel!

The Red Carpet Pre-show coverage will be shown from 6:30 to 8:00 pm, and the entire AWARDS will begin at 8:00 pm and continue until the last statuette is presented.

Ticket Prices:
$30 in advance / $35 at the door
DREXEL MEMBERS – $20 in advance / $25 at the door
Purchase tickets online here* or at the box office.

*You may need to change the date to March 2 if it is not the date shown when you use the link above.

All proceeds benefit the Friends of the Drexel, Inc. and the Drexel Theatres artistic and educational programs.

Fright Club

Fright Club: Best Doomed Romances

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Valentine’s Day came and went, but we are still in a romantic mood. Why not celebrate those great, doomed romances so often found in horror? Surely, The Bride of Frankenstein may be the all-time best, but we wanted to share some of our lesser-appreciated favorites, beginning with one of the very best horror films of the last decade.

The Loved Ones (2009)

Brent (Xavier Samuel) is dealing with guilt and tragedy in his own way, and his girlfriend Holly tries to be patient with him. Oblivious to all this, Lola (a gloriously wrong-minded Robin McLeavy) asks Brent to the school dance. He politely declines, which proves to be probably a poor decision.

The Loved Ones is a cleverly written, unique piece of filmmaking that benefits from McLeavy’s inspired performance as much as it does its filmmaker Sean Byrne’s sly handling of subject matter. It’s a wild, violent, depraved to spend 84 minutes. You should do so now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olB5Wrg8Sxc

Thirst (2009)

Leave it to the great Chan-wook Park (Oldboy) to think of turning the Postman Always Rings Twice storyline into a vampire tale. Thirst would be a weird movie regardless, but the steamy/guilty romantic entanglements with an ailing friend’s young wife take on a peculiar tone when the other man is not just a vampire, but a former priest to boot.

Father Sang-hyeon (Kang-ho Song) volunteers for a medical experiment, but instead of a cure the procedure creates vampirism. The poor guy’s barely wrapped his head around his new drinking problem before he falls for his buddy’s scheming wife. Park’s visuals are a sumptuous wonder, and his romantic bloodletting is as curiously humorous as it is creepy.

May (2002)

Few horror films are as touching, funny, heartbreaking or bloody as May. Lucky McKee’s 2002 breakout is a showcase for his own talent as both writer and director, as well as his gift for casting. As the title character, Angela Bettis inhabits this painfully gawky, socially awkward wallflower with utter perfection. McKee’s screenplay is as darkly funny as it is genuinely touching, and we’re given the opportunity to care about all the characters: fragile May, laid back love interest Adam (a faultless Jeremy Sisto), hot and horny Polly (a wonderful Anna Faris).

McKee’s film pulls no punches, mining awkward moments until they’re almost unendurable and spilling plenty of blood when the time is right. He deftly leads us from the sunny “anything could happen” first act through a darker, edgier coming of age middle, and finally to a carnage laden climax that feels sad, satisfying and somehow inevitable.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es0HnQqCqg0

The Signal (2007)

A transmission – a hypnotic frequency – broadcasting over TV, cell and landline telephones has driven the good folks of the city of Terminus crazy. David Bruckner, Dan Bush and Jacob Gentry created a film in three segments, or transmissions. Transmission 1 introduces our lover heroes as well as the chaos. Can Mya and Ben remain sane, reunite and outrun the insanity? Transmission 2 takes a deeply, darkly funny turn as we pick up on the illogical logic of a houseful of folks believing themselves not to have “the crazy.” The final transmission brings us full circle.

The movie capitalizes on the audience’s inability to know for certain who’s OK and who’s dangerous. Here’s what we do know, thanks to THE SIGNAL: duct tape is a powerful tool, bug spray is lethal, and crazy people can sure take a beating.

Hellraiser

Here’s an alternative to Fifty Shades of Grey. Clive Barker’s feature directing debut worked not only as a grisly splatterfest, but also as a welcome shift from the rash of teen slasher movies that followed the success of Halloween. Barker was exploring more adult, decidedly kinkier fare, and Hellraiser is steeped in themes of S&M and the relationship between pleasure and pain.

Hedonist Frank Cotton solves an ancient puzzle box, which summons the fearsome Cenobites, who literally tear Frank apart and leave his remains rotting in the floorboards of an old house. A gash on brother Larry’s leg spills blood on the floor, which awakens the remains of Frank, who then requires more blood to complete his escape from the underworld. Larry’s wife (and Frank’s lover) Julia, both repulsed and aroused by her old flame’s half-alive form, agrees to make sure more blood is soon spilled.

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New In Theaters

Brushes With Greatness

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Mr. Turner

by George Wolf

Mike Leigh is the best kind of storyteller: visual but never showy, patient and confident in his plan to let a collection of smaller moments resonate as a whole. His films, which include Vera Drake, Secrets & Lies, Happy Go Lucky and Another Year, reveal a natural gift, and Mr. Turner is another impressive entry in his catalogue.

The Mr., specifically, is J.M.W. Turner, widely regarded as the greatest British painter in history. Long before the populism of Kincade, Turner was known as “the painter of light,” with landscape works that many art historians point to as a vital forerunner of Impressionism.

And as is the case with many creative masters, Turner was a bit of an eccentric, and he’s brought to life onscreen through a career-defining performance from Timothy Spall. Known to many audiences as a longtime “that guy,” Spall captivates from the very first scene, making Turner an achingly human mix of God-given talent and curious motivation.

Leigh, who wrote and directed, is savvy enough to avoid trying to cover Turner’s entire biography, and instead settles on the last third of Turner’s life, years that found the artist both enjoying, and running from, his success. Turner’s interactions with his father (Paul Jesson), his housekeeper (a heartbreakingly good Dorothy Atkinson) and his longtime companion (Marion Baily) give us intimate glimpses into a complicated genius.

Cinematographer Dick Pope earns his recent Oscar nomination, providing a naturally beautiful bridge between canvas and reality that Leigh utilizes to perfection. Yes, he constructs various shots as paintings in a frame, but he does so with such a stylish, subtle touch the device never feels forced, and works on an almost subliminal level to enhance the richness of the film’s scope.

A legendary artist and a modern-day filmmaker, both with a calling to find the light, even in the most unlikely places. Kindred spirits? I’m guessing one of them thinks so, and I bet the other is just fine with that.

Verdict-4-0-Stars

New In Theaters, Slider

Got Wood?

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Fifty Shades of Grey

by Christie Robb

Let’s face it, Fifty Shades of Grey is probably not going to be nominated for an Oscar. It’s not the movie you watch for its subtle complexities of character development. It’s a chance to watch two hotties take a naughty little ride to bone town and maybe get some inspiration along the way.

Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele delivers, giving the role a bubbly charm that provides the occasional (and much needed) comic relief. However, her costar Jamie Dornan leaves something to be desired. As aloof billionaire Christian Grey, Dornan claims people find him heartless. I found him dull. I’ve seen marital aids with more personality.

And the film desperately needs the chemistry between the two. The plot—nerdy English major battling for the heart of a bachelor CEO while being initiated into the ways of light S&M—is as thin as Christian’s silk tie. This is a story about yearning and longing (and spanking). You gotta have passion.

And what’s with the R rating? There’re surprisingly few sex scenes and a lot of naked Dakota Johnson, but no sign of Dornan’s Johnson. When adapting erotic fiction popular with the ladies, you’d think we’d get to see something more titillating than a butt and a pair of low-slung jeans. Maybe I’m spoiled by premium cable.

Verdict-2-0-Stars

Hope Madden and George Wolf … get it?