Category Archives: Outtakes

Movie-related whatnot

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Wicked Witch of the West

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Girl.

You killed my sister. She hated me, yes. And I hated her. But I also loved her in my way. 

And you steal her shoes?! What kind of monster takes a pair of shoes from a dead woman’s body? Well, they’re all I have left of her. You’ve left me with nothing. No family. Give me the shoes. They aren’t yours. You stole them. Stole them from my sister’s dead body. Yet somehow I’m the ghoul?

You cannot have them. You’ve no right to them. Just because this mob tells you that you do, you must know in your soul that it’s wrong to steal from a corpse, to deny a grieving sister. Have you no soul? 

Give them to me! Don’t test me, girl, I am beyond my limits! It’s an easy choice, an obvious conclusion. Why do you vex me? Give me what belongs to me so I can grieve my sister! What are the shoes to you?!

Your pointless greed is cruelty! Why would you treat someone so, even as they look at what little you have left of their only family, the only person they ever cared for, who ever cared for them? I don’t know what I’ve done to merit your hate and torment, but you will live to regret it. 

Those you do not know have taken all else from me, ostracized and taunted me, shown me nothing but hate all my days. And you, a stranger, have destroyed and stolen what little remained. There is nothing left in me but seething, bottomless rage and I will destroy with malicious glee you and all you hold dear. 

And your little dog too.

W

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Marsten House

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New Listing!

Welcome to the Marsten House. This historic home atop Pabsquitty Hill overlooks the charming New England hamlet of Jerusalem’s Lot. A notable presence that watches over the town like a benevolent king, this auspicious property has fascinated residents for generations! Its colorful history is as vivid and storied as that of Jerusalem’s Lot itself.

Plus, ample cellar space to store antiques, sideboards…whatever you like!

And what a lovely town for sketching, antiquing, and getting to know your neighbors! A picturesque lake near the property is cozy, and the surrounding woods are ideal for late night nature walks. You never know who you’ll meet on those twilight hikes! 

A monument to history, the Marsten House has loomed over the town for decades, holding the essence of Jerusalem’s Lot in its very bones. And in its stone foundations, in its wooden beams, in the glass of its windows, the plaster of its ceiling, the Marsten House cries out for new ownership.

There’s a kind of character the Marsden property attracts. Colorful. Memorable. You?

Contact Crockett Realty (under new management!) with inquiries.

*By Hope Madden. Voiceover by Riley Wolfington. Audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Candyman

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Daniel, 151

Artist at Cabrini Green

Lives in Chicago

Less than a mile away

Dreaming | Painting | Sweets | Beekeeping 

Sweets to the sweet! Lover of street art, whispers in the classroom, writing on the walls seeking …you. It was always you. Be my match. The pain, I can assure you, will be exquisite. Our names will be written on a thousand walls. 

They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What’s blood for if not for shedding? I came for you. Come with me and be immortal.

Allow me at least a kiss. Just one exquisite kiss.

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Mayor Vaughn

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Welcome, my fellow Amityvillains! 

No…er..not villains..vill-e-yuns. Amity-villites. 

Fellow citizens of Amity, welcome to another beautiful Fourth of July weekend! As you know, we in Amity have made our name through friendship, and this weekend gives us another chance to meet many new friends who will come to spend those summer dollars and enjoy our wonderful beaches! 

Yes…about the beaches…I’m happy to report that under my supervision, we have caught and killed a fish that was apparently annoying some swimmers. Now, the Chief and his rich friend with city hands have both assured me that there will be no more trouble of that sort, and this will be one of the best holiday weekends Amity has ever had! 

So remember, for safe beaches and attention getting sportcoats, Vote Vaughn! 

Now go swimming!

*by George Wolf. Video starring Ralph Scott in partnership with Mills James Productions. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Operations

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To: All

Fr: Operations

Re: Spring Rite

It’s that time again. You can feel the electricity—excitement, worry—and that’s normal. It keeps us sharp. Teams all over the world—Japan, Sweden, Brazil—are feeling that same electric current today. But for us, worry is overrated. We have the talent, the skill and the precision. We are the failsafe because our outcomes are near perfect.

So, who will it be this time? The majestic unicorn? Demon ballerina? Zombified pain worshipping backwoods idiots? Merman? It doesn’t really matter, does it? So long as the sacrifices are young and they make the choice for themselves. 

That’s where you come in: Chem’s well placed neurotoxin, the Harbinger’s old school warning, the perfectly timed cave in. If we do our jobs, the sacrifices will choose their doom, and one by one, the ritual will be fulfilled.  

It’s a big day, and one worth celebrating. We work hard all year long for this. So, get your bets in, have fun, and remember: What we’re doing is important. There is nothing more important.

We offer this work in humility for the blessed peace of their eternal slumber, as it ever was.

*by Hope Madden. Voiceover and audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Middle School Fantasy

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Matchbox: The Movie

by George Wolf

So, a toy movie? Like Barbie?

Well, that’s a stretch. And remember, Jaws is a shark movie, but so is Sharktopus.

Apple TV’s Matchbox isn’t sharkspoitation bad. In fact, if you just hang with its overlong runtime, the film finds an unabashed cornball groove that will bring both smiles and eye-rolls.

The title only refers to the fact that a group of middle school friends were Matchbox enthusiasts back in the day. Now, decades later, one of those friends is a secret agent while the rest stayed in small-town Ohio.

But after completing a dangerous spy mission for his boss (Danai Gurira), Sean (John Cena) goes back home to pay last respects to an old mentor. After sharing beers with the old Matchbox gang, they’re all drugged and pulled into a globe-trotting chase for a stolen bomb.

Good thing that Aimee (Jessica Biel), Ted (Arturo Castro), Crosby (Sam Richardson) and Charmaine (Teyonah Parris) all have skills that come in mighty handy in a save-the-world scenario. Director Sam Hargrave (the Extraction films) puts his action skills to work for a minor league True Lies that keeps a kid-friendly feel despite all the violence and explosions.

Why this is over two hours I don’t know, but everyone in this likable cast seems to be having a good bit of fun. Cue it up with a few cold ones after the kids go to bed, and Matchbox: The Movie should give you a bit of fun, too.

Expect some groans, as well, but that’s what the beer’s for.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Pennywise

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*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Babadook

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From the publishers:

Before we say more, let us begin with this. We stand behind our product. We do not disregard nor disrespect the concerns surrounding our lushly illustrated pop-up book, Mr. Babadook. Every concern from a reader, be it a child or a parent, whether it’s in a word or it’s in a look, is taken very seriously by our organization.

Perhaps not every child is cut out for Mr. Babadook. He appeals to a certain imagination. He can make some children feel less alone. Isn’t there comfort in knowing your child believes he’s let someone into his life who will never leave? For some children—and their overworked, under-rested parents—Mr. Babadook is a dream come to life. 

Concerns such as those shared about this product are hard to be rid of. A mistake, error, or issue like this is something that, once you see it, can’t be unseen. If, indeed, you see it at all. Perhaps it’s there. Perhaps you’re reading something into it. That’s the real issue, isn’t it? Not what’s there, but what’s underneath? 

Maybe it’s not our book. Maybe it’s you. 

If Mr. Babadook does not thrill your child, we’ll gladly mail one of our publisher’s other remarkable tales for children: Basement Buddy, The Face at the Window, Who’s There in the Corner? or the classic, Come and Play With Mr. Goat.

But keep Mr. Babadook at no additional cost. Perhaps you’ll change your mind. Perhaps you’ll find a spot in your family for him. 

Regards,

Somebody’s Knocking Publishing House

*by Hope Madden. Voiceover by Hope Madden. Audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: The Cook

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There’s a lot of recipes for bar-b-que, but you’re gonna wanna eat mine. I promise! Good old Texas BBQ the way Grandpa taught me. There was nobody better’n ol’ Grandpa. Did it the old fashioned way. He even kilt the meat. Give it a respectable killing too, not like they do nowadays.

Now, I can’t take no pleasure in killing. Don’t have the heart for it. The suffering, now, that I don’t mind.

And I know something about feeding a family on a budget. I got two sons to feed. Hungry fellas. Sometimes they need some discipline. I have to give ‘em the stick! But most days, my barbeque quiets ‘em down. They even like to help, dumb as they are.

Even Grandpa still likes a taste! He’ll suck a bone clean. There’s nothing like a family dinner. And my bbq recipe, why, it won’t break the bank. 

Start with the meat. Any kind will do, really, so long as you give it a good killing. And you use all the parts. You can even boil the head for head cheese. You can even find use for the skin, the bones. My boys, they’re artistic like. But me, I stick to what I know: barbeque.

I like it smoked. Saves on electricity. The cost of electricity is enough to drive a man out of business! So, you need a good smoke stack and some hooks. Steel hooks, any kind of hook big enough to hold the meat. Then a good fire, let it hang there and cook in its juices. That’s what makes it tender, a good old fashioned hooking! 

And the sauce, well, the sauce, that’s just odds and ends, whatever’s handy. It’s the meat that counts. Good piece of meat, fresh, killed proper and smoked to bring out its flavor. Nothing, I mean nothing, beats some good old fashioned Texas barbeque.

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

I Must (Un)Break You

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Dolph: Unbreakable

by Daniel Baldwin

Before the age of 27, Dolph Lundgren was an international karate champion, had a master’s degree in chemical engineering, was set to go MIT on a Fullbright Scholarship for his doctorate, and was both the bodyguard and boyfriend of singer/model/actress Grace Jones. In other words, he had already had a wildly successful and varied life by that point. The fact that he also became an international movie star after all that is just icing on the cake.

Dolph: Unbreakable covers all of the important mile-markers in Lundgren’s life. His early years in Sweden. His time abroad as a college student/martial artist. And then, yes, his crazy ride through the Hollywood system as a bodyguard turned action star turned director. Many of your favorite Dolph movies get some play here, but one should not sit down with this film expecting it to be an expose on his action movies.

Sure, the likes of Rocky IV, Masters of the Universe, The Punisher, Universal Soldier, The Expendables, Creed II, and many more are all brought up, but only ever in relation to where Dolph was at in his life and in his head as they occurred. This is a documentary about the man, not the movie star. Instead, we are given a story about an incredibly intelligent and athletically-gifted child who has endured an unending barrage of life’s pains and pleasures across decades, growing into a man who is grateful to still be around in this world.

Childhood abuse, academic success, athletic championship, failed relationships, blockbuster stardom, embarrassing paycheck gigs, substance abuse, severe kidney cancer, etc. All of it is covered in a manner more open and personal than one tends to find in similar documentaries. Our subject is unafraid to talk about his failures as much as he does his successes. You will see Dolph break stones and Rocky Balboa, but you’ll also see him break down crying as well.

If there’s a fault with this film, it’s only in that it isn’t longer. At 74 minutes, the film leaves a few areas of Lundgren’s life that could have been covered a bit more deeply. As it stands, it’s still an engaging and emotional piece of work. One that will no doubt be of interest to Dolph’s fans, as well as perhaps others who have casually enjoyed his work throughout the decades.

Dolph: Unbreakable is an intimate portrait of a man who has lived a very remarkable life full of extreme highs and extreme lows, and it’s a pretty good portrait at that.