Tag Archives: George Wolf

Villain Diaries: Wicked Witch of the West

Girl.

You killed my sister. She hated me, yes. And I hated her. But I also loved her in my way. 

And you steal her shoes?! What kind of monster takes a pair of shoes from a dead woman’s body? Well, they’re all I have left of her. You’ve left me with nothing. No family. Give me the shoes. They aren’t yours. You stole them. Stole them from my sister’s dead body. Yet somehow I’m the ghoul?

You cannot have them. You’ve no right to them. Just because this mob tells you that you do, you must know in your soul that it’s wrong to steal from a corpse, to deny a grieving sister. Have you no soul? 

Give them to me! Don’t test me, girl, I am beyond my limits! It’s an easy choice, an obvious conclusion. Why do you vex me? Give me what belongs to me so I can grieve my sister! What are the shoes to you?!

Your pointless greed is cruelty! Why would you treat someone so, even as they look at what little you have left of their only family, the only person they ever cared for, who ever cared for them? I don’t know what I’ve done to merit your hate and torment, but you will live to regret it. 

Those you do not know have taken all else from me, ostracized and taunted me, shown me nothing but hate all my days. And you, a stranger, have destroyed and stolen what little remained. There is nothing left in me but seething, bottomless rage and I will destroy with malicious glee you and all you hold dear. 

And your little dog too.

W

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Going Down?

Dead Drop

Screening at 6pm on Saturday, Oct. 17 at Nightmares Film Festival.

by George Wolf

You like your thrillers with a good dose of blood splatter? Maybe even some deadly puzzle-solving and jabs of dark humor? Well, stand next to me for Dead Drop, a wickedly fun ride on a lethal freight elevator.

One hectic morning inside a large office building, the main elevator seems to be on the fritz. So eight strangers decide the large freight elevator down the hall will speed their busy day along, and they get in.

They push the buttons, the doors close, but the ride is a short one. The elevator stalls, and they are all trapped.

Writer/director Ned Crowley quickly sets an effective sense of people and place, getting us comfortable with the different personalities that will have to work together for a path to safety. The snappy dialog begins to reveal important connections between the “Teacher,” “Bike Messenger,” “Troll,” “Lawyer,” “Actress,” “Suit,” “Priest” and “Bro,” and that maybe this fateful meeting is not as happenstance as it seems.

There are engineering clues to decipher as well, and Crowley (Killing Faith) adopts a wonderfully mischievous tone for his frisky mashup of Cube, Saw, and even a dash of Da Vinci Code. The bloodshed can be sudden, and shocking, with Crowley making sure it all pops in the frame for maximum WTF? appeal.

The ensemble cast is locked in to the vibe that’s driven home by a couple well-played needle drops. And by the time the other narrative shoe drops as well, you’ll most likely be smiling at how skillfully Dead Drop pushes your buttons.

Villain Diaries: Marsten House

New Listing!

Welcome to the Marsten House. This historic home atop Pabsquitty Hill overlooks the charming New England hamlet of Jerusalem’s Lot. A notable presence that watches over the town like a benevolent king, this auspicious property has fascinated residents for generations! Its colorful history is as vivid and storied as that of Jerusalem’s Lot itself.

Plus, ample cellar space to store antiques, sideboards…whatever you like!

And what a lovely town for sketching, antiquing, and getting to know your neighbors! A picturesque lake near the property is cozy, and the surrounding woods are ideal for late night nature walks. You never know who you’ll meet on those twilight hikes! 

A monument to history, the Marsten House has loomed over the town for decades, holding the essence of Jerusalem’s Lot in its very bones. And in its stone foundations, in its wooden beams, in the glass of its windows, the plaster of its ceiling, the Marsten House cries out for new ownership.

There’s a kind of character the Marsden property attracts. Colorful. Memorable. You?

Contact Crockett Realty (under new management!) with inquiries.

*By Hope Madden. Voiceover by Riley Wolfington. Audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Pieces of Me

What I Remember

Screens at noon on Saturday, October 17 at Nightmares Film Festival.

by George Wolf

Equal parts mystery, found footage thriller and exploration of queer identity, writer director Alex Hera’s impressive first feature What I Remember casts a truly hypnotic spell .

Ryan (Cabe Thompson) and Sam (Alexandra Boulas) have a fateful meeting one afternoon in the woods around their small town of Brookhaven. Ryan is constantly recording a video diary, and we see his POV as he stumbles upon Sam and her friend Drew (Taylor Morris) having a heated argument.

After breaking free of Drew, Ryan and Sam walk the trails together, sparking a tender and empathetic friendship that builds to something deeper, one that anchors Hera’s tale of shifting timelines, awakening identities and persistence of memory.

Ryan and Sam hatched a plan to leave town together, but Ryan’s disappearance left Sam grasping for answers. As Hera employs a data-moshing technique to blur the edges of time, place and vlog footage, another mystery from the past comes to light. The whereabouts of Hayden, a long-missing local gay man, have never been uncovered, sparking unmistakable questions about local threats to those in the queer community.

Boulas is terrific in a performance that only improves as the emotions of the narrative deepen. Hera mines those feelings with great care, leaving What I Remember as a collective of sketches that build to a mysterious meditation on finding the people and places that allow you to find yourself.

Villain Diaries: Candyman

Daniel, 151

Artist at Cabrini Green

Lives in Chicago

Less than a mile away

Dreaming | Painting | Sweets | Beekeeping 

Sweets to the sweet! Lover of street art, whispers in the classroom, writing on the walls seeking …you. It was always you. Be my match. The pain, I can assure you, will be exquisite. Our names will be written on a thousand walls. 

They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What’s blood for if not for shedding? I came for you. Come with me and be immortal.

Allow me at least a kiss. Just one exquisite kiss.

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Villain Diaries: Mayor Vaughn

Welcome, my fellow Amityvillains! 

No…er..not villains..vill-e-yuns. Amity-villites. 

Fellow citizens of Amity, welcome to another beautiful Fourth of July weekend! As you know, we in Amity have made our name through friendship, and this weekend gives us another chance to meet many new friends who will come to spend those summer dollars and enjoy our wonderful beaches! 

Yes…about the beaches…I’m happy to report that under my supervision, we have caught and killed a fish that was apparently annoying some swimmers. Now, the Chief and his rich friend with city hands have both assured me that there will be no more trouble of that sort, and this will be one of the best holiday weekends Amity has ever had! 

So remember, for safe beaches and attention getting sportcoats, Vote Vaughn! 

Now go swimming!

*by George Wolf. Video starring Ralph Scott in partnership with Mills James Productions. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Villain Diaries: Operations

To: All

Fr: Operations

Re: Spring Rite

It’s that time again. You can feel the electricity—excitement, worry—and that’s normal. It keeps us sharp. Teams all over the world—Japan, Sweden, Brazil—are feeling that same electric current today. But for us, worry is overrated. We have the talent, the skill and the precision. We are the failsafe because our outcomes are near perfect.

So, who will it be this time? The majestic unicorn? Demon ballerina? Zombified pain worshipping backwoods idiots? Merman? It doesn’t really matter, does it? So long as the sacrifices are young and they make the choice for themselves. 

That’s where you come in: Chem’s well placed neurotoxin, the Harbinger’s old school warning, the perfectly timed cave in. If we do our jobs, the sacrifices will choose their doom, and one by one, the ritual will be fulfilled.  

It’s a big day, and one worth celebrating. We work hard all year long for this. So, get your bets in, have fun, and remember: What we’re doing is important. There is nothing more important.

We offer this work in humility for the blessed peace of their eternal slumber, as it ever was.

*by Hope Madden. Voiceover and audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Middle School Fantasy

Matchbox: The Movie

by George Wolf

So, a toy movie? Like Barbie?

Well, that’s a stretch. And remember, Jaws is a shark movie, but so is Sharktopus.

Apple TV’s Matchbox isn’t sharkspoitation bad. In fact, if you just hang with its overlong runtime, the film finds an unabashed cornball groove that will bring both smiles and eye-rolls.

The title only refers to the fact that a group of middle school friends were Matchbox enthusiasts back in the day. Now, decades later, one of those friends is a secret agent while the rest stayed in small-town Ohio.

But after completing a dangerous spy mission for his boss (Danai Gurira), Sean (John Cena) goes back home to pay last respects to an old mentor. After sharing beers with the old Matchbox gang, they’re all drugged and pulled into a globe-trotting chase for a stolen bomb.

Good thing that Aimee (Jessica Biel), Ted (Arturo Castro), Crosby (Sam Richardson) and Charmaine (Teyonah Parris) all have skills that come in mighty handy in a save-the-world scenario. Director Sam Hargrave (the Extraction films) puts his action skills to work for a minor league True Lies that keeps a kid-friendly feel despite all the violence and explosions.

Why this is over two hours I don’t know, but everyone in this likable cast seems to be having a good bit of fun. Cue it up with a few cold ones after the kids go to bed, and Matchbox: The Movie should give you a bit of fun, too.

Expect some groans, as well, but that’s what the beer’s for.

Weak Thrills

Animals

by George Wolf

Director/co-writer/star Ben Affleck continues his Netflix partnership with a serviceable thriller that is curious in its timid approach to being thrilling.

Affleck stars as a Los Angeles mayoral candidate who is mulling a big decision to get the funds for one last campaign push. Then his young son is kidnapped, throwing his candidacy and his sputtering relationship with his wife (Kerry Washington) into chaos.

With Steven Yeun as the campaign manager and Gillian Anderson popping in as a high-end fixer, the cast alone is enough to keep you watching. But after borrowing a twist from a similar classic, the film settles into a comfort zone that is just too comfortable.

The editing is choppy, and the narrative feels like it’s been re-shaped by too many producers and focus groups, leading to an unsatisfying final act more in line with a morality play.

There are moments of substance here, but just like too many campaign promises, Animals is a pretty smile without much behind it.

Fright Club: Killer Furniture

Cursed objects, carnivorous appliances, or just ugly furniture in the wrong place at the wrong time, sometimes that living room set is killer. On a special Fright Club recorded live at the Blue Couch Bookshop, Hope reads a bit from her novels Roost and Killer Pictures, signs some copies, and then she joins George to count down the best killer furniture in horror.

5. Killer Sofa (2018)

A lot of movies about flesh hungry furniture are bad. Writer/director/kiwi Bernie Rao’s Killer Sofa is bad, often charmingly so, but inescapably bad. Plus, it’s a recliner, not a sofa.

A very mediocre dancer (Piimoi Mei) arouses the dybbuk living in her newly salvaged recliner. It kills a lot of people.

The absurd humor is often delightful, and at about an hour and 15 minutes, the film ends before it wears out its welcome.

4. Battle Heater (1989)

Jôji Iida tosses the chaos of punk rock, a DIY spirit, and Japanes mores in a blender and the resulting slurry is this tale of a salvaged space heater hungry for human flesh.

What is going on in this apartment building? Insanity waits cheerfully in every flat and, as the weather turns colder, there’s even more carnage than usual.

3. Oculus (2013)

Mike Flanagan’s 2014 new effort follows a pair of siblings looking to prove that their childhood family horror was actually the fault of a cursed mirror.

Flanagan braids present day events and flashbacks effectively, not just to illustrate the ghastly deeds of the siblings’ youth, but to emphasize the growing madness of the brother and sister as they revisit the scene of the crime and set about proving their theory.

Flanagan has some real skill weaving the rational world with one full of madness, and he knows when to rely on FX and when to be craftier with his scares. 

2. Hausu

If Takashi Miike’s Happiness of the Katakuris were to marry Pee-wee’s Playhouse, this would be their offspring.

A spoof of sorts, Hausu tells the story of six uniform-clad high school girls named Gorgeous, Fantasy, Sweet, Melody, Kung Fu, and Mac. The nomenclature alone should clue you in on the film’s lunacy. The giggling sextet spend spring break at an aunt’s spooky house – or, in fact, a cheaply made set of an aunt’s spooky house. Not a single thing that follows makes sense, nor is it really meant to.

Expect puppets, random musical sequences, remarkably bad backdrops, slapstick humor, and an amazingly sunny disposition given the sheer volume of human dismemberment. Humans are attacked by a piano, mattress, mirror, and grandfather clock, among other unnaturally sinister furniture.

1. The Coffee Table (2022)

A remarkably well written script fleshed out by a stunning ensemble becomes utter torture as you want so badly for some other outcome. Co-writer/director Caye Casas ties threads, builds anxiety, plunges the depths of “what’s the worst that could happen?” and leaves you shaken.

David Pareja and Estefania de los Santos craft indelible, believable, beautifully flawed characters so convincing that their experience becomes painful for you. Casas salts the wounds with dark comedy, but the tenderness and tragedy collaborate toward something far more crushingly human.