Villain Diaries: Operations

To: All

Fr: Operations

Re: Spring Rite

It’s that time again. You can feel the electricity—excitement, worry—and that’s normal. It keeps us sharp. Teams all over the world—Japan, Sweden, Brazil—are feeling that same electric current today. But for us, worry is overrated. We have the talent, the skill and the precision. We are the failsafe because our outcomes are near perfect.

So, who will it be this time? The majestic unicorn? Demon ballerina? Zombified pain worshipping backwoods idiots? Merman? It doesn’t really matter, does it? So long as the sacrifices are young and they make the choice for themselves. 

That’s where you come in: Chem’s well placed neurotoxin, the Harbinger’s old school warning, the perfectly timed cave in. If we do our jobs, the sacrifices will choose their doom, and one by one, the ritual will be fulfilled.  

It’s a big day, and one worth celebrating. We work hard all year long for this. So, get your bets in, have fun, and remember: What we’re doing is important. There is nothing more important.

We offer this work in humility for the blessed peace of their eternal slumber, as it ever was.

*by Hope Madden. Voiceover and audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Middle School Fantasy

Matchbox: The Movie

by George Wolf

So, a toy movie? Like Barbie?

Well, that’s a stretch. And remember, Jaws is a shark movie, but so is Sharktopus.

Apple TV’s Matchbox isn’t sharkspoitation bad. In fact, if you just hang with its overlong runtime, the film finds an unabashed cornball groove that will bring both smiles and eye-rolls.

The title only refers to the fact that a group of middle school friends were Matchbox enthusiasts back in the day. Now, decades later, one of those friends is a secret agent while the rest stayed in small-town Ohio.

But after completing a dangerous spy mission for his boss (Danai Gurira), Sean (John Cena) goes back home to pay last respects to an old mentor. After sharing beers with the old Matchbox gang, they’re all drugged and pulled into a globe-trotting chase for a stolen bomb.

Good thing that Aimee (Jessica Biel), Ted (Arturo Castro), Crosby (Sam Richardson) and Charmaine (Teyonah Parris) all have skills that come in mighty handy in a save-the-world scenario. Director Sam Hargrave (the Extraction films) puts his action skills to work for a minor league True Lies that keeps a kid-friendly feel despite all the violence and explosions.

Why this is over two hours I don’t know, but everyone in this likable cast seems to be having a good bit of fun. Cue it up with a few cold ones after the kids go to bed, and Matchbox: The Movie should give you a bit of fun, too.

Expect some groans, as well, but that’s what the beer’s for.

Weak Thrills

Animals

by George Wolf

Director/co-writer/star Ben Affleck continues his Netflix partnership with a serviceable thriller that is curious in its timid approach to being thrilling.

Affleck stars as a Los Angeles mayoral candidate who is mulling a big decision to get the funds for one last campaign push. Then his young son is kidnapped, throwing his candidacy and his sputtering relationship with his wife (Kerry Washington) into chaos.

With Steven Yeun as the campaign manager and Gillian Anderson popping in as a high-end fixer, the cast alone is enough to keep you watching. But after borrowing a twist from a similar classic, the film settles into a comfort zone that is just too comfortable.

The editing is choppy, and the narrative feels like it’s been re-shaped by too many producers and focus groups, leading to an unsatisfying final act more in line with a morality play.

There are moments of substance here, but just like too many campaign promises, Animals is a pretty smile without much behind it.

The Great Pretender

Other Mommy

by Hope Madden

A great deal goes unspoken in Other Mommy, a horror film informed by the complex idea that it’s what breaks your heart that makes you human.

Jessica Chastain is Aurora Martin, mommy to 7-year-old Bela (Arabella Olivia Clark). Chastain is also Other Mommy, a mommy-shaped entity who wants Bela’s permission to become human.

If a lot of this sounds familiar—a child, unhappiness in the house, an imaginary friend who’s less imaginary than demonic—credit director Rob Savage and writers Nathan Elston and Josh Malerman for complicating the tale with fairly realistic (if unreasonably wealthy) human damage.

And, of course, Chastain for being game for some serious freakiness.

Jay Duplass keeps things grounded in tenderness as Daddo, the one reminder that humans can be wonderful. A strong supporting cast includes Karen Allen, Sean Kaufman, and Arian Moayed, but Savage’s investment in Clark to keep us engrossed pays off.

She reminds you of a very young Mckenna Grace. Her soulful attention and authentic performance create real tension. The youngster carries a lot of this film and manages beautifully.

Other Mommy spins a cautionary tale about tricksters, letting the wrong person into your heart, people who aren’t as they seem, and the generational damage done by less-than-ideal parents.

Like a lot of imaginary friend horror films, Other Mommy writes itself into a bind it can’t entirely escape. But the cast mines the script for a backstory they wear in their gestures and behaviors, and Savage throws enough random insanity at you that things never feel predictable.

It’s not an uncontested win, but Other Mommy delivers creepiness that picks a particular scab.  

Fright Club: Killer Furniture

Cursed objects, carnivorous appliances, or just ugly furniture in the wrong place at the wrong time, sometimes that living room set is killer. On a special Fright Club recorded live at the Blue Couch Bookshop, Hope reads a bit from her novels Roost and Killer Pictures, signs some copies, and then she joins George to count down the best killer furniture in horror.

5. Killer Sofa (2018)

A lot of movies about flesh hungry furniture are bad. Writer/director/kiwi Bernie Rao’s Killer Sofa is bad, often charmingly so, but inescapably bad. Plus, it’s a recliner, not a sofa.

A very mediocre dancer (Piimoi Mei) arouses the dybbuk living in her newly salvaged recliner. It kills a lot of people.

The absurd humor is often delightful, and at about an hour and 15 minutes, the film ends before it wears out its welcome.

4. Battle Heater (1989)

Jôji Iida tosses the chaos of punk rock, a DIY spirit, and Japanes mores in a blender and the resulting slurry is this tale of a salvaged space heater hungry for human flesh.

What is going on in this apartment building? Insanity waits cheerfully in every flat and, as the weather turns colder, there’s even more carnage than usual.

3. Oculus (2013)

Mike Flanagan’s 2014 new effort follows a pair of siblings looking to prove that their childhood family horror was actually the fault of a cursed mirror.

Flanagan braids present day events and flashbacks effectively, not just to illustrate the ghastly deeds of the siblings’ youth, but to emphasize the growing madness of the brother and sister as they revisit the scene of the crime and set about proving their theory.

Flanagan has some real skill weaving the rational world with one full of madness, and he knows when to rely on FX and when to be craftier with his scares. 

2. Hausu

If Takashi Miike’s Happiness of the Katakuris were to marry Pee-wee’s Playhouse, this would be their offspring.

A spoof of sorts, Hausu tells the story of six uniform-clad high school girls named Gorgeous, Fantasy, Sweet, Melody, Kung Fu, and Mac. The nomenclature alone should clue you in on the film’s lunacy. The giggling sextet spend spring break at an aunt’s spooky house – or, in fact, a cheaply made set of an aunt’s spooky house. Not a single thing that follows makes sense, nor is it really meant to.

Expect puppets, random musical sequences, remarkably bad backdrops, slapstick humor, and an amazingly sunny disposition given the sheer volume of human dismemberment. Humans are attacked by a piano, mattress, mirror, and grandfather clock, among other unnaturally sinister furniture.

1. The Coffee Table (2022)

A remarkably well written script fleshed out by a stunning ensemble becomes utter torture as you want so badly for some other outcome. Co-writer/director Caye Casas ties threads, builds anxiety, plunges the depths of “what’s the worst that could happen?” and leaves you shaken.

David Pareja and Estefania de los Santos craft indelible, believable, beautifully flawed characters so convincing that their experience becomes painful for you. Casas salts the wounds with dark comedy, but the tenderness and tragedy collaborate toward something far more crushingly human.

Villain Diaries: Pennywise

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Villain Diaries: Mason

Dearest Diary,

Well, I had to kill Wanda to get use of the treat truck. I think we both knew it was likely, you and I, and I suppose good practice. Just hope nobody wants ice cream where we’re going, because those little van freezers are pretty sloppy right now!

I also killed my dad’s friend Phil because he was reluctant to give up the whereabouts of this weekend’s race meetup, and also because he certainly would have told Dad about my visit, and also because I never especially cared for Phil. Didn’t like the cut of his jib. Oh, did he cry!

I think you’ll be proud, Diary, I decided to paper map it. No phone app on this mission, and not just for judicial deniability, either. The paper map felt right, like my tall, white paper hat. Proud, somehow.

It’ll be a great surprise for Dad, I think. Don’t you? All his elite athletes murdering the inferior competition, while I make mincemeat of the race organizers and security detail? I did, by the by, find a challenging but manageable how-to for the proper mincing of meat. No short cuts! 

Anyhoo, can’t wait to see the look in Dad’s eyes, his whole premium-grade super superior team blown, gutted, and fileted as all the sad sack losers on the course die. 

It is a little sad, you’re right. Losers are my favorite. Maybe I’ll butcher your odd athlete here and there. I’m told they sometimes come in costume! Dandy!

Diary, my dear, you have been such a support as we’ve plotted and planned this day of carnage. I wish I could carry you with me, but we both know I barely have hands enough for all these knives! Still, rest easy, friend. For I will report back. Every gruesome detail.

Onward!

Your favorite culinary artist,

Mason

*by Hope Madden. Voiceover by Riley Wolfington. Art by Anthony Michael Carroll.

A Helluva Drug

The Social Reckoning

by Hope Madden & George Wolf

Back in 2010—aah, that innocent time—writer Aaron Sorkin (with writer Ben Mezrich) took us behind the curtain to witness the weaselly, insecure, creepy underpinning of the social media revolution.

With The Social Reckoning, writer/director Sorkin checks back in on Mark Zuckerberg (Jeremy Strong) to see how his social network was doing between 2018 – 2021. A less innocent time for all involved.

But “Zuck” is not the main character. This is the story of whistleblower Frances Haugen (Mikey Madison), a Facebook engineer who loves her job on the Civic Integrity team and believes in the mission to connect people. But she can no longer live with Facebook and Zuckerberg’s intentional misuse of research to amplify profits while knowingly damaging users’ mental health, public safety, and democracy itself.

If The Social Network was a warning, The Social Reckoning is less an “I told you so” than a “holy shit!”

Haugen slowly learns to trust Wall Street Journal investigative journalist Jeff Horwitz (Jeremy Allen White) with what she knows, hoping he can expose the corporate malfeasance, and her dream job can go back to being dreamy.

Sorkin’s films work best when he’s dealing with hyper intelligent characters, and that’s certainly the case here.  His spectacular cast, including Betty Gilpin, Wunmi Mosaku, Billy Magnussen, and Bill Burr, is on point in every scene. The banter between the analog Horwitz and the tech-intensive Haugen is often delightful, bringing a low-key levity to the otherwise very high-key script.

The film’s pace juggles timelines efficiently, allowing Sorkin to make a sly juxtaposition of two viruses and use a data scientist’s “dumbed down” explanations to an old school journalist as the perfectly organic vehicle for bringing us all into their circle of trust. The Oscar-winning Madison is terrific, revealing hurt and disillusion as Haugen’s belief that social media reveals the best of us is crushed by the realization that her employer is knowingly manufacturing our worst.

White becomes a wonderful counterpoint, a more world-weary soul careful to protect his prized source while patiently encouraging her instincts to expose what she knows.

And Jeremy Strong turns in yet another award-worthy supporting turn as a real person. He takes the cutthroat glimpses of Zuck we saw from Jesse Eisenberg and molds them into a cold and detached tycoon, eager to proclaim his devotion to the “public square” while quietly giving bigger bullhorns to the town criers that are most profitable.

Anyone with a social feed knows that anger is a helluva drug, and when the company line fears blowback more than incitement, fires get stoked early and often.

Scenes with Zuck conferring in a lair with investors prove there are still spots where Sorkin can’t resist the urge to overstate the obvious and push one preachy beat too hard. But, man, then he’ll unleash a string of intelligent, well-stated and completely engaging points, counterpoints and rebuttals (often between Strong and Burr in the film’s most fiery moments) that right the ship right quick.

Even if you haven’t followed the story of Haugen, Horwitz and the Pulitzer Prize-winning Facebook Files, The Social Reckoning probably won’t surprise you with how obscene this all has become. But it might help you reconsider your own algorithms, and it will definitely remind you of the type of courage and integrity that still defines the best of us.

I mean, really, how many of us still think that social media was a good idea?

Villain Diaries: Babadook

From the publishers:

Before we say more, let us begin with this. We stand behind our product. We do not disregard nor disrespect the concerns surrounding our lushly illustrated pop-up book, Mr. Babadook. Every concern from a reader, be it a child or a parent, whether it’s in a word or it’s in a look, is taken very seriously by our organization.

Perhaps not every child is cut out for Mr. Babadook. He appeals to a certain imagination. He can make some children feel less alone. Isn’t there comfort in knowing your child believes he’s let someone into his life who will never leave? For some children—and their overworked, under-rested parents—Mr. Babadook is a dream come to life. 

Concerns such as those shared about this product are hard to be rid of. A mistake, error, or issue like this is something that, once you see it, can’t be unseen. If, indeed, you see it at all. Perhaps it’s there. Perhaps you’re reading something into it. That’s the real issue, isn’t it? Not what’s there, but what’s underneath? 

Maybe it’s not our book. Maybe it’s you. 

If Mr. Babadook does not thrill your child, we’ll gladly mail one of our publisher’s other remarkable tales for children: Basement Buddy, The Face at the Window, Who’s There in the Corner? or the classic, Come and Play With Mr. Goat.

But keep Mr. Babadook at no additional cost. Perhaps you’ll change your mind. Perhaps you’ll find a spot in your family for him. 

Regards,

Somebody’s Knocking Publishing House

*by Hope Madden. Voiceover by Hope Madden. Audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

When Darkness Comes

Never After Dark

by Hope Madden

Who doesn’t like a good ghost story? And a Japanese ghost story at that!

Writer/director Dave Boyle (Man from Reno) generates spooky tension with Never After Dark, his tale of a traveling psychic hired to help the dead leave this plane. Airi (Moeka Hoshi, TV’s Shōgun), the quietly no-nonsense medium, arrives at an isolated little inn recently purchased on auction by a widow (Tae Kimura) and her son (Kento Kaku). Odd things are happening at the property.

It’s hard to place the period for the film. Landlines, sweater vests and shoulder pads suggest early 90s (a sweet spot for J-horror). The analog vibe suits the film’s dreamy pace. This is a slow burn, sometimes perhaps slower than necessary, but it’s still effective.

Boyle immediately introduces a worn-out genre trope only to expose it, using the gimmick as a tool for the narrative at hand. It works surprisingly well. Images throughout the film feel familiar more than borrowed, and Boyle’s framing and use of light give scenes a lovely but spooky quality.

Hoshi delivers a fascinating central performance: a loner who’s not alone, a polite misanthrope more comfortable with the dead than the living. The balance of the small cast impresses with memorable characters, but the tension grows because of Hoshi. Airi’s petulant defiance of sound advice, her occasionally reckless behavior, and her utter isolation coalesce as the entity in the inn is more fully revealed.

When the violence does come, it’s unsettling. But Boyle has spent more than an hour slowly drawing your interest and almost reluctant affection for these characters, and that’s where the tension really comes from.

Never After Dark delivers on its earliest promise of a stylish supernatural thriller, but Boyle isn’t afraid to get nasty here and there. The combination gives the horror a little substance and the style a nice punch.

Hope Madden and George Wolf … get it?