Category Archives: Outtakes

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Outtakes

Counting Down with Pride (and Jon Theiss!)

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It’s time to celebrate Stonewall Columbus Pride Festival in Columbus, and the town is absolutely giddy. Gay, even. But how can anyone properly celebrate without our former The Other Paper colleague, the genius behind the column That’s So Gay (pause here to picture the unicorn/rainbow logo), Jon Billy Theiss? Well, that’s a conundrum, and one we weren’t willing to face. So we brought him back to help us celebrate by counting down Hollywood’s five gayest “straight” films.

 5. Interview with the Vampire (1994)

Vampires have been fabulous since Nosferatu, but when Tom Cruise bit Brad Pitt’s neck, heterosexual women the world over finally understood the straight man’s girl-on-girl fixation.

Jon says:

Vampires have always represented weird penetration allegories and the bourgeoisie’s penchant for wearing knee-highs and gaudy cocktail rings, so it makes sense that pint-size primadonna Tom Cruise would spend the majority of the movie wearing iridescent vests and a sun-kissed fingerwave.

 

4. Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

Spock, do you know why Kirk nearly died and nearly killed his entire crew to save you? Because he loves you. Love him back, you cold bastard!

Jon says:

Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto could co-star in a Judd Apatow movie called These Heterosexual Men Love Touching Boobies and it would still be gayer than My Own Private Idaho.

 

3. The Lost Boys (1987)

Sure, David (Keiffer Sutherland) spends the whole film trying to seduce Michael (Jason Patric), but you had us at the Rob Lowe poster on Corey Haim’s bedroom wall.

Jon says:

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman: The closest thing Hollywood ever got to twincest.

 

2. 300 (2006)

Do you like gladiator movies? How about men with ridiculous abs wearing little more than capes and jewelry?  You’ll love 300.

Jon says:

This sword-crossing fantasy finally answers the question: Was antiquity really that gay? Yes. Yes it was.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr0kWBMLufo

 

1.Top Gun (1986)

The locker rooms? Iceman’s playful bite? Kelly McGillis as the love interest? The title? The only way this could have been gayer is if Harvey Fierstein played the volleyball coach. And even then, only a little.

Jon says:

Top Gun’s slow-motion baby-oil-fueled beach scenes, coupled with a cinematographer who’s glued to Val Kilmer’s body like your weird uncle who doesn’t blink during Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders performances, got me through puberty. These brilliant celluloid moments notwithstanding, Cruise’s other epic metaphor for gay sex, Days of Thunder, inspired my favorite post-coital victory cheer: “Rubbin’s racin’!”

 

Thanks, buddy! We miss you! Happy Pride everyone!

Outtakes, Uncategorized

Countdown: Classic Stoners for the Tribe Bullpen

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After an encouraging start to another season, the Cleveland Indians have hit their annual June Swoon – with a new wrinkle.

Adding to the usual losses and injuries is the arrest of All Star closer Chris Perez for allegedly possessing marijuana that was allegedly mailed to his house.

Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

So, while we wait for our beloved Tribe to turn it around, we thought we’d look back on classic stoners from movie history, and give the Indians bullpen a new, munchier look.

Bullpen Coach:  Bob Marley (Marley, 2012) Lively up your arms, Rastas!

6) The spot starter: Pineapple Express’s Saul Silver. A tribe uniform is the only shirt he should ever wear besides that shark with a kitty in its mouth tee shirt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TUTxAK1EqQ

5) The long man:  Sir Smoke a lot (Dave Chapelle) from Half-Baked (1998). Might have some trouble getting his trainers, Billy Bong Thorton and Wesley Pipes, past security.

4) Middle relief: Jay and Silent Bob aka Bluntman and Chronic (Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes) from, among others, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001). If today is Tuesday and the game is on Friday..they figure they have…eight days.

3) Matchup specialists: Pedro and Anthony (Cheech and Chong) from Up in Smoke (1978) Back in the fold after that deportation misunderstanding, Pedro and “Man” are rested and ready. When that call to the bullpen comes, they promise not to go straight to the mound.

2) Setup Man:  The Dude from The Big Lebowski (1998) Though he may need a custom glove to accommodate the White Russian, he can instantly deflect any batter who charges the mound with a well-placed “this on-field aggression will not stand, man!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iApz08Bh53w

1)    Closer:  Floyd (Brad Pitt) from True Romance (1993). Man, this guy was so stoned it saved his life! Instead of game film, prefers watching old Flintstones episodes.

 

GO TRIBE!

Outtakes, Slider

Memorial Countdown: 5 Best Scenes from Golf Movies

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In honor of the Memorial Tournament, we wanted to count down the best golf movies. But since that’s a countdown of one, we figured instead we would offer the five best scenes from Caddyshack. (Honorable mentions to Billy Baroo; This is my Friend Wang; That’s a Peach, Hon; Bark Like a Dog.) Try to watch these and not laugh – we’re guessing you can’t do it.

5. Mind if I play through?

4. You’re a tremendous slouch.

3. Be the ball.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGKkmpbhv9k

2. Big hitter, the Lama. Long.

1. And, #1, like you didn’t already know….It’s in the hole!

 

Now, how ’bout a Fresca?

Outtakes

Countdown: Forgetful Movies for Memorial Day Weekend

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This Memorial Day Weekend, we remember our dads, a soldier and a sailor who served their countries bravely before coming home, settling down, and raising children they would eventually drive insane. But before all that, they served their countries bravely, and we truly thank them (and all veterans) for that part. That’s what we’ll remember about George and Mark today. Tomorrow is another story…

In the meantime, let’s count down the best movies about people who really can’t remember a thing.

5. Angel Heart (1987)

Pre-freakshow Mickey Rourke is private dick Johnny Angel, looking for a guy who doesn’t want to be found, maybe because a bearded, egg-eating Robert De Niro is the client searching him out. But something’s not quite right with this investigation. A steamy period piece rich with twists and soaked in blood, Angel Heart is a startling bit of filmmaking and an underappreciated gem.

4. Shutter Island (2010)

Scorsese puts DiCaprio in an island asylum in Boston Harbor to suss out the details in a disappearance. But his investigation – like Johnny Angel’s – turns up more hazy mystery than facts. It doesn’t help that his wife’s ghost keeps popping up.

3. The Hangover (2009)

A clever concept fleshed out with stellar performances in well-articulated characters, The Hangover is more than just a lewd throwaway comedy. But as lewd comedies go, the original is a doozy. Injecting the bachelor party romp cliché with more energy, surprises and hilarity than most 90 minute flicks could handle, this is a comedy that remains funny upon repeated viewings.

2. Memento (2000)

Before Memento, we did not know Christopher Nolan was a genius. And then we did. Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce) has a short term memory problem. The wrong type of people use this to their advantage. Writer/director Nolan keeps the audience as riveted and confused as poor Leonard with his non-linear approach, and the culminating moments are of devastating genius.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Jim Carrey has never been better than in this Michel Gondry mind bender penned by genius screenwriter Charlie Kaufman. A fascinatingly twisty, beautiful and clever film filled to bursting with exceptional performances, it’s a film everyone should see. We are our memories, even the bad one.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnSgSe2GzDc

Outtakes

Outtakes: Revenge of the Nerdy Movies

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Space log June 27, 1966. Jeffrey Jacob Abrams is born. His purpose: to make nerds feel cool. To succeed he will need to drink at their teat, study their bible, learn their ways and still maintain his hipster sheen. Only then will he be able to rethink and re-present their culture. He will begin here.

5. Tron (1982)

This was almost Harry Potter, but one of the brethren – a computer programmer/coder who role played throughout high school – said no. Tron was the film we wanted, the film Abrams would need to study, philosophize about, fantasize about. Isn’t Tron simply the video game Pong with day glo cycle suits, you ask? That sound you hear? The brethren scoffing at your naïveté.

4. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

Of the four options, why is The Hobbit the chosen, the precious? Because 3D and IMAX technology aren’t enough for uber-nerd Peter Jackson. His vision requires the added dimension of a High Frame Rate. How high? Forty eight frames per second, bitches – because twice as high is just enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1SJ7yaa7cI

3.  Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

If a young Abrams didn’t refer to himself as a Knight who says Ni, well, all is lost, isn’t it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LG1PlkURjxE

2. Star Wars series (1977 onward)

The teat. Abrams will next attempt to cast his spell and reboot this franchise. Is it the nerdiest of all? Some years ago, ace reporter Triumph the Insult Comic Dog chatted up a group of Star Wars fans who were strong with the nerd force. He asked one, who was in full Darth Vader regalia, “Which one of these buttons calls your parents to come pick you up?” The prosecution rests.

1. Star Trek (a 5-year mission extends into the unknowable future)

The bible. The original TV series would have been enough, but the cult was so strong it brought forth numerous films and TV spinoffs. Now Abrams has rebooted the whole thing, making it cool while simultaneously re-introducing Tribbles and sparking arguments about why Khan doesn’t have an accent and Carol Markus does. And Pike can’t really be dead, right?

Feel like bathing in the nectar of nerdery? Back to back to back to back….trailers, and Orson Welles narrates the original!

Outtakes

Weekend Countdown: Happy Mutha’s Day

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It’s Mother’s Day weekend, which calls for a mutha of a weekend countdown.

Mutha. As in bad mutha – shut your mouth!

So, while we certainly hope all the moms have a great day, these bad movie muthas don’t need no jive-ass card that plays “I’m Too Sexy” when you open it! Let’s count down the top 5:

5. Super Fly (1972)

It’s hard out here for pimp/cocaine dealer Youngblood Priest. He just wants to make a quick million so he can retire, but The Man is always dragging him down.  “Nothing better happen to one hair on my gorgeous head. Can you dig it?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmZjD2UWoso

4. Django Unchained (2012)

Django’s personality changes with his wardrobe, and he shoots a lot of people as he hones his fashion sense. “Kill white people and get paid for it? What’s not to like?”

3. Dirty Harry (1971)

Harry Callahan is a bad man, and he knows what you’re thinking, punk. “You’re thinking, ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Now to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and will blow you head clean off, you’ve gotta ask yourself a question. ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzeV8Sd9pV0

 

2. Shaft (1971)

Who’s the cat who won’t cop out when there’s danger all about? He’s a complicated man. No one understands him but his woman. We can dig it. “Cut the crap, man. This is Shaft.”

1. Machete (2010)

Double cross an ex-Federale so you can promote racism, run drugs and kill priests? You just fucked with the wrong Mexican. “Why do I want to be a real person when I’m already a myth?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I16020r–oM

 

Okay, suckas, who’d we miss?

Outtakes

Gateway’s Indie Film Showcase Cures the Blockbuster Blahs

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By Hope Madden

Already tired of blockbuster season? The Gateway Film Center has just the remedy. Their Independent Film Showcase launches this week, running May 9 to May 16. This edition of the semiannual event screens seventeen flicks you’d be hard pressed to find onscreen anywhere else.

Anchored by Brit filmmaker Ken Loach’s charming The Angels’ Share – the only film in the series to boast a full slate of showings – the program offers dramas, comedies, documentaries and thrillers, each one rotating through a handful of screenings across the week.

According to Gateway president Chris Hamel, programming a series like this takes quite a while.

“The May program contains 17 films, and I watched around 50 to decide on those,” he says. “We originally planned this as a quarterly series, but to be honest, I can’t program IFS at that speed. Too many films to consider. It’s fair to say about 100 – 150 hours of watching and planning went into this festival before the marketing team started working on it.”

Why make the effort? Gateway’s goal, according to an official press release, is to “bring a diverse, compelling selection of indie films to central Ohio while also giving patrons an opportunity to see tomorrow’s Hollywood stars and A-list directors.”

Hamel believes Gateway is an ideal fit for such a showcase. According to him, “Our audience is so diverse that IFS makes great sense here. While all of these films are very good, they have a hard time finding an audience. I believe that our central location, downtown sensibilities, technology and product mix make use a great place to see a film, and IFS is just one more opportunity for our patrons to be part of the independent film world.”

Highlights include film festival favorites such as Rebecca Thomas’s fanciful religious conundrum Electrick Children, Keith Miller’s gritty redemption drama Welcome to Pine Hill, and the dark drama Rubberneck – one of two featured films (alongside Red Flag) by prolific newcomer Alex Karpovsky.

Hamel has a couple of other favorites, though.

“I absolutely loved Ain’t In It For My Health: A Film about Levon Helm, The Silence, and Welcome to the Punch,” he says.

You’ll get the chance to see these and more beginning at 7pm Thursday with the screening of Michael Gondry’s The We and the I. From there, films rotate throughout the day until it all winds up with newcomer Marialy Rivas’s controversial Young and Wild at 11:45 pm on the 16th.

Says Hamel, “I hope audiences give these films the chance the deserve.”

 

The full schedule of events:

 

Thursday May 9

The We and the I                                              7:00 PM

Electrick Children                                             9:15 PM

Welcome to the Punch                                      11:15 PM

 

Friday May 10

Welcome to Pine Hill                                         12:00 PM

Rubberneck                                                      2:00 PM

Red Flag                                                          4:00 PM

Somebody Up There Likes Me                           6:00 PM

Aint In It for My Health:                                     7:45 PM

A Film about Levon Helm

Welcome to the Punch                                     9:45 PM

Young and Wild                                                12:00 AM

 

Saturday May 11

Patang                                                             12:00 PM

Bert Stern: Original Madman                             2:15 PM

Supporting Characters                                     4:15 PM

The Silence                                                      6:15 PM

The Happy House                                             8:45 PM

Tied                                                                 10:30 PM

 

Sunday May 12

Bert Stern: Original Madman                             11:00 AM

You Don’t Need Feet to Dance                           1:00 PM

Somebody Up There Likes Me                           3:00 PM

The We and the I                                              4:45 PM

He’s Way More Famous than You                      7:00 PM

Ain’t In It for My Health:                                    9:15 PM

A Film about Levon Helm

 

Monday May 13

The Happy House                                             1:00 PM

The We and the I                                              2:45 PM

The Silence                                                      5:00 PM

Electrick Children                                             7:30 PM

Welcome to the Punch                                      9:45 PM

 

Tuesday May 14

He’s Way More Famous than You                      1:00 PM

You Don’t Need Feet to Dance                           3:10 PM

Patang                                                             5:20 PM

Bert Stern: Original Madman                             7:30 PM

Rubberneck                                                      9:40 PM

 

Wednesday May 15

Rubberneck                                                      1:00 PM

Red Flag                                                          3:10 PM

Supporting Characters                                      5:20 PM

Welcome to Pine Hill                                         7:30 PM

Tied                                                                 9:40 PM

 

Thursday May 16

The We and the I                                              12:45 PM

Electrick Children                                             2:45 PM

The Silence                                                      5:00 PM

Welcome to the Punch                                      7:30 PM

Ain’t In It for My Health:                                                9:45 PM

A Film about Levon Helm

Young and Wild                                                11:45 PM

 

Regular ticket prices apply. For tickets and information, visit www.gatewayfilmcenter.com

 

This piece ran originally on Columbus Underground.

 

Outtakes

These Heroes Need a Chance to be Super!

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Iron Man 3 officially opens summer blockbuster season this weekend, and let’s be honest, until Robert Downey Jr. put on that flat, noseless mask, no one gave a two poops about Iron Man. But now, he’ll probably rake in more dough than Superman. That’s what the Hollywood treatment can do for a fledgling superhero, which is why we are campaigning for a few other second-tier heroes that could use a little limelight. All they want is what they have coming to them. All they want is their fair share.

5. The Coon

Why no movie for Eric Cartman’s masked, tailed vigilante from South Park? It’s a perfect set up: a super hero, a rival (Kenny’s mysterious Mysterion), and an arch nemesis (Butters’s alter ego,Professor Chaos and his little buddy General Disarray).  Plus, between Coonacon and the product placement opportunity for Chipotlaway, it pays for itself. What more does Hollywood need?

4. Ace & Gary

What is everyone looking at? Nothing, but it’s time that changed! Superheroes like Ace and Gary have been ignored and forced into hiding for too long. Who cares that they’re late night TV superheroes? They deserve the same opportunity to fight crime as all the other tightly-panted hero buddies. It’s time they left the shadows and headed for the spotlight. Come on out, Ace and Gary!

3. Jem

Why Eighties cartoon rocker Jem? Because she’s truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. And, her music’s contagious (outrageous). Jem is her name. No one else is the same. Jem is her name. (Jem!)

2. Fallout Boy

Sure, he has his own band, but Milhouse Van Houton’s overshadowed super sidekick needs to step out from behind Radioactive Man’s cape and save the day on the big screen. Yes, his mask stinks of acne medicine and desperation, but c’mon, can’t Hollywood borrow a feeling and give him a chance!
http://www.hulu.com/watch/40715

1. ThunderCats

Those flowing locks, those bulging, furry biceps. Oh mighty Lion-o, how can it be that you have not yet graced the silver screen? Can we blame evil Mum-ra, ThunderCat foe? Or just the small minded Hollywood big wigs who can’t see how hard it is to lead fellow Thundarians and still maintain that coiffure?

Outtakes

Weekend Countdown: Let’s Go Jackets!

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Is it hyperbole to say this is the most exciting weekend in the history of the Columbus Blue Jackets? Is it?!

They’ve been playing out of their minds, and if they keep that going Saturday night in NWA, they could land a #8 seed in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And let’s be honest, unlike last time, this year it really feels like they could do some damage (especially after a #8 seed just won the cup!)

And so, in honor of this weekend’s hockey fever, let’s lace ‘em up and count down the top 5 hockey films!

 5. Rocket: The Legend of Rocket Richard (2005)

No, we did not throw this in just to avoid including Mighty Ducks or Youngblood, but man, were we happy to find just one more decent hockey movie. The film echoes the life of Montreal Canadiens great Maurice Richard in an elegantly filmed biopic on overcoming adversity to become an iconic sports figure and national hero. Sure, that sounds familiar, but this time it happens in Canada.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkcFx1p4-Cg

 

4. Mystery, Alaska (1999)

Here’s a perfectly enjoyable, needlessly cluttered underdog tale where decent writing and generous performances outweigh trite themes. The alum of a tiny Alaskan town brings an NHL match home when the NY Rangers agree to play Mystery, Alaska’s hard-nosed local boys. Good-natured fun follows.

 

3. Goon (2011)

We can’t get enough of this Canadian minor league hockey gem, written by Jay Baruchel and starring Sean William Scott, who plays against type as a sweet natured, dunderheaded hockey goon who can’t skate but sure can beat the crap out of people.

 

2. Miracle (2004)

This great looking, family-friendly biopic boasts an excellent Kurt Russell, some fantastic hockey footage, and swelling emotions. Authentic, understated and weirdly compelling given the fact that we all know how it turns out. (Dude, we totally beat the Russians! Those douches.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZBb_8WQKUA

 

1. Slap Shot (1977)

What Caddyshack is to caddying, what The Bad News Bears is to little league – Slap Shot is best hockey movie ever. Paul Newman is hilariously salty in a story about a failing town soon to lose its minor league hockey team, and the player whose career is over if he can’t figure out how to save it. Does salvation wear thick glasses, travel in threes, and pack toy trains?

Outtakes, Slider

Weekend Countdown: Good Ol’ Beantown

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If there’s one thing movies have taught us, it’s to stay out of the woods. If there’s a second thing, it’s that only a knucklehead would screw with the fine folks of Boston. It didn’t work out that well for the British, or for most anyone else, as these films clarify. These citizens are a hardy sort, and our hats are off to them.

The Departed (2006): Scorsese and DiCaprio closed themselves up in a mental institution in Boston Harbor for 2010’s Shutter Island, but the insanity they unleashed back in 2006 resulted in their real Beantown masterpiece. Hometown boys Mark Wahlberg (never better) and Matt Damon mix with accent-appropriate DiCaprio and an unhinged Jack Nicholson to let Scorsese work out his Catholicism-and-bullets fixation in a new town with a new ethnicity. Dropkick Murphys tag along.

The Verdict (1982): Writer David Mamet and director Sidney Lumet echo Boston’s hard boiled, thick skinned belief in redemption. Stubborn but wearied Beantown lawyer – a brilliant Paul Newman – decedes not to take the easy money and instead takes a Catholic-run hospital to trial. A tremendous supporting cast helps, with bonus points to James Mason, whose creepy-charming malevolence is chilling.

Gone Baby Gone (2007): For his own career redemption, once-laughingstock Ben Affleck returned to his hometown (and the town that inspired his first Oscar) for his first directorial effort. Shot on location and filled to brimming with local actors (OK, maybe we didn’t need 3 actors with a hairlip), Affleck’s flick makes Dorchester as much a morally ambiguous character as Patrick Kenzie (Casey Affleck), the hometown investigator looking for a missing girl. Amy Ryan astonishes – truly – as the girl’s mother.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rb2-Ac2K3BQ

The Town (2010): Affleck returns home for his second effort behind the camera, this time to make Charlestown less of a tourist destination than it had already been. The best low-brow heist movie ever, The Town boasts excellent performances all around – even from Blake Lively. It serves up generations of bone-deep, hardened Towny criminals including Chris Cooper, still fighting the fight as a lifer, and Pete Postelthwaite creeping everybody out as kingpin/florist.

Mystic River (2003): Eastwood’s spin on a Dennis Lehane novel reignited Hollywood’s romance with Boston flicks. Three neighborhood buddies grow up and grow apart, each with his own connection to the criminal element that tainted their childhood and threatens to unravel their lives. Moody and dramatic, with a winding, melancholy mystery to puzzle out, the film nabbed two Oscars (Sean Penn, Tim Robbins) and racked up four more nominations.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjHLulVPB7w

The Friends of Eddie Coyle (1973): Most of these films involve a code, one of silence and violence that’s accepted and practiced because without it the business couldn’t go on. Eddie Coyle (Robert Mitchum) breaks that code because he’s facing a stretch in the joint he’d just as soon avoid. A never-better Mitchum upends snitch stereotypes, drawing our sympathy as he works through his dilemma. Slower paced and filmed with less panache than its Boston Mob counterparts, this film develops slowly and leaves you feeling more like you’ve been punched in the gut.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WtR-mi6VtU

Good Will Hunting (1997): Hello, Southie. Hometown boys Ben Affleck and Matt Damon started their Hollywood takeover by writing a story about two low rent kids upending MIT’s elitism, finding love, and breaking out of a history of poverty and violence. Well, Damon broke out, but Affleck got to deliver the best Boston character in any film ever.

The Boondock Saints (1999): Jesus, these brogues are terrible. Just awful. But writer/director Troy Duffy’s sordid story of the righteously violent McManus twins did find an audience. They’re out to clean up the Boston they love – or at least ensure that it’s the Irish, not the Russians, allowed to shoot up the neighborhood. Steeped in Catholicism, blood, pathos and, again, the worst imaginable accents, Boondock Saints is weirdly watchable. It helps that Willem Dafoe tags along as one bat shit insane FBI agent.

The Fighter (2010): Another Boston tale of redemption, fucked-up Irish families and low-rent hustling, David O. Russell’s brilliant The Fighter mines authenticity from this true life tale. Brilliant performances across the board owe their merit to actors who never judge or condescend. Oscar winner Melissa Leo shines as mother/manager for her boxer sons, and every scene she shares with her seven daughters – who hate son Mickey’s (Mark Wahlberg) girlfriend – is genius. But it’s Christian Bale’s epic performance as Mickey’s crackhead former boxer/older brother Dickey that seals this picture as among the best of 2010.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkQkOAlyt0c