All posts by maddwolf

So that happened...

Chirper Swan Song has Inappropriate Lyrics

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I swore after my last write up on the Chirpers – those humans whose pod of cubicals sits directly outside my office door, where they allegedly sell my company’s product – that I was done. Relaying these stories makes me feel catty, judgy. Old. But the Chirper stories are like the mob – as soon as I think I’m out, they drag me back in. Plus, in a few weeks, the whole lot of them will be moved to another spot in our building, so this may actually be my last opportunity to report on the chirping. Unless I want to start lurking around with a note pad.

It turns out, though, that the Chirpers will not go quietly. It was a big week, and not just because it is the height of selling season – which it is. And you’d think that would mean more telephone sales time for the Chirpers, but apparently not. No, these ladies had other things on their minds. Let’s listen in, and let me say in advance, I swear to God this is what happened. And please keep in mind, their little cubical pod sits in the dead center of an entire sea of cubicals filled with people actually doing work. I have a door. I could close it and avoid this entire catastrophe. (I mean, I didn’t. I’m not made of stone, people!) The point is that loads of perfectly normal people were unable to avoid the following.

Chirper #1: Gotta call Vatch.

Chirper #2: Sounds like vag.

Chirper #1: Yeah. (giggle)

Chirper #2: Vag. Heh heh heh.

Chirper #1: Dirty vag! Heh heh heh.

Chirper #2: Yeah, my husband will never let me forget my bachelorette night.

 

NOTE: Here’s where I began to really worry. Any tale that was brought to mind by this whole “vag” thing is, I’m assuming, not meant for public sharing. Surely Chirper #2 will either stop talking now, or will quietly walk into the cubical of Chirper #1 to commend her choice of stretchy leggings for pants today, and quietly tell her personal bachelorette dirty vag tale, so as not to broadcast whatever it may be to the dozens of people within ear shot. Right?

 

Chirper #1: It’s such a funny word.

Chirper #2: The only reason I’m not totally embarrassed by it is because I can’t remember anything.

Chirper #1: Got to go clean the vag.

Chirper #2: I was so bad. I was totally throwing up and going to the bathroom all over myself. My husband had to clean me up. He never lets me forget.

Chirper #1: Big Bang is the worst. Like, literally.

Chirper #2: They said it was acute alcohol poisoning, and I said it was not acute, it was really bad. And he was like acute just means it was not prolonged, that it happened one time. And I said they were making it sound like it wasn’t really bad, but it was. It was aw-ful!

Chirper #1: You can’t move, you can’t breathe, you can’t get a drink.

Chirper #2: It’s hard, because you have to try really hard to have this really crazy night, but if you’re in Columbus, you’ve already done everything.

 

Recap of my favorite moments:

1)      That the phrase “dirty vag” immediately made #2 think of her bachelorette party.

2)      That C#1 was so unphased by this conversation about needing to be cleaned up that she just jumped to our lack of good local spots for bachelorette parties.

3)      And that she still keeps misusing the word “literally”.

4)      Oh, right, and that this vag-tastic conversation took place in the most central and public spot in my crowed office.

You stay classy, Chirpers!

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Tough Time for a Brother’s Keeper

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Out of the Furnace

by Hope Madden

Just in time for the holidays, a bleak look at desperation, blood ties, masculinity and loyalty. Welcome to Braddock, PA and Out of the Furnace.

Part Deer Hunter, part Winter’s Bone, Scott Cooper’s new film casts a haunted image of ugliness scarring natural beauty, whether it’s the steel town petering out and leaving a rusted carcass in a Pennsylvania valley, or the human nastiness up in the hills on the Jersey border.

The tale follows a pair of beleaguered brothers in America’s disappearing rust belt. It’s a deceptively simple story of being your brother’s keeper, but Cooper’s meandering storyline keeps you guessing, often entranced. Nothing is as simple as it seems, although there is an inevitability to everything that makes it feel strangely familiar.

Cooper’s camera evokes a palpable sense of place, and his script positions the film firmly and believably – but without a heavy hand – in a clear time period. The setting itself is so true and absorbing that many of the film’s flaws can almost be forgiven.

At the core of Furnace’s many successes are some powerful performances. Both Christian Bale and the endlessly under-appreciated Casey Affleck, as Russell and Rodney Baze, respectively, dig deep to uncover the anguish and resilience at the heart of the siblings’ relationship and struggles. Bale, in particular, smolders with a tenderness and deep love that is heartbreaking.

On the other hand, Woody Harrelson is just plain scary. As the villain (and excellently named) Harlan DeGroat, Harrelson goes all out, leaves nothing behind. Harlan is a Bad MoFo, no doubt, and Harrelson leaves no scenery unchewed.

Cooper stumbles here and there with his storytelling, though. There is some heavy-handed symbolism, and a letter written from one brother to another that’s almost too clichéd and trite to accept in the otherwise articulate piece of filmmaking.

Just four years ago, in his feature film debut Crazy Heart, Cooper led Jeff Bridges to his first Oscar, and Maggie Gyllenhaal to her first nomination. His sophomore effort is less assured, as if he’s trying too hard. His ability to conjure such a vivid place and time impresses, and both Bale and Affleck are characteristically wonderful, but the director can’t seem to reign in the entire cast, and he borrows too freely from other (excellent) movies.

While the stumbles aren’t crippling, they keep Out of the Furnace from the greatness it otherwise might have reached.

 

Verdict-3-5-Stars

 

Outtakes

When the Going Gets Weird, These Guys Get Going…

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Sure, you probably caught Woody Harrelson and his shaggy blond wig in Catching Fire, the number one film in the country today (and for the foreseeable future). But this weekend,Woody sneaks back into theaters as the Appalachian meth dealer/bare knuckle boxing organizer Harlan DeGroat in Out of the Furnace. Though you might not notice it at first blush, the two characters have something in common. They’re weirdos. Is that intentional, or is it difficult for Harrelson to do anything else? He’s a tremendous character actor, a welcome sight in any film, but let’s be honest. The dude’s always and forever playing weirdos.

Well, we love that about him, and today we wish to celebrate all those reliable oddballs, freaks and weird dudes. A tip of the hat to Harrelson and his effortlessly peculiar brethren: cinema’s ten best weirdos.

10. Udo Kier

Who’s Udo Kier, you may be asking? We’re sorry for your loss, because you have apparently missed out on the smorgasbord of oddballs that have made up this man’s nearly 50 year career. Between his overly large eyes, wet lips and impenetrable accent, he brings a pervy air to every role, which he’s used to great effect in hundreds of performances.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hvpz88YYego

9. Michael Shannon

Shannon’s size, his quietly observant style, his delayed nasal speaking, his judging eyes all give him a creepy quality perfect for weirdo roles. Luckily for everyone, he’s deeply talented, imbuing each of his unique characters with the fragile humanity that spawned the freaky behavior in the first place.

8. Sam Rockwell

Rockwell’s a huge talent, and with his trademark quirky charm he’s basically invented the niche of oddball leading man. There’s a childlike quality to his performances, and a laid back but somewhat scornful humor that reminds us at times of Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray. He brings a magnetic but quirky humanity to every role – drama or comedy, lead or supporting.

7. Tom Waits

That gravely, smoker’s voice, the Eraserhead-esque hairstyle, a face and body that appear to be all angles – Waits cuts an unusual onscreen image. He’s put that to fine use over the years in roles that call for something a little unusual.

6. Mickey Rourke

Back in the day, Rourke brought a uniquely smoldering charisma to roles. He was never a cookie cutter leading man, always a bit off. His current hulking appearance and years of bad decisions have thrust him into the niche of the lumbering nutjob, but you know what? He handles it with aplomb.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FokjNH7Gw8

5. Dennis Hopper

Dude! It may have been Hopper’s own bad wiring that helped him bring a little mania (sometimes a lot) to scores of roles: the wacked out hippie in Easy Riders, the wacked out zealot in Apocalypse Now, the obsessive investigator in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, the Southern madman in Paris Trout, the drunken father in Hoosiers. But he owns it in among the all time great freakshow performances, Frank Booth in Blue Velvet.

4. Willem Dafoe

Dafoe brings a malevolent comic ability to roles – including his supporting turn opposite Harrelson in Out of the Furnace. His performances tend toward fearless, and he contorts his own physical presence to bring out the demonic or the strangely comical – or both – in each role.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvE-_utxEzc

3. Christopher Walken

The great. Whether he’s requesting cowbell on SNL, adding a peculiar charm to a comedy, or staring down a man about to die in a drama, Walken’s staccato delivery, blank stare and musical timing ensure that every line he delivers feels  profoundly, often unsettlingly weird.

2. Crispin Glover

The thing about Crispin Glover (McFly!) is that you get the feeling this is just how he is. He’s drawn to the characters that most closely resemble his own unique personality. I’m not saying he eats cockroaches, but a romantic lead is probably not in his future, on camera or otherwise.

 

1. Nic Cage

Cage wins this contest because he appears to have trouble not being a weirdo. Channeling his inner normal guy seems to sometimes be too great a task for the actor. Those ridiculous wigs only hamper any effort to mask his natural freakishness, but we say don’t hide it, Nic! Let that freak flag fly.

For Your Queue

A Cup of Nog for Your Queue. Maybe Two.

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Just in time for holiday imbibing, Drinking Buddies releases to the home market today. Easy to mistake for a rom-com, the film – boasting Olivia Wilde’s best performance – is a meandering observation on slacker generation relationships. It’s clever, assured, and forever surprising.

For a bleaker set of drinking buddies, check out the 1987 gem Barfly. This Charles Bukowski penned, Barbet Schroeder directed tale of ne’er do well Henry Chinaski is classic skid row glory (so, classic Bukowski). Mickey Rourke was never better (though his cadence takes some getting used to), and his screen chemistry with Faye Dunaway makes this the most faithful rendition of Chinaski to be found onscreen. Too bad you can’t get the movie from Netflix. Guess you’ll have to watch the whole thing here.

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Why Do New?

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Oldboy

by Hope Madden

When contemplating Spike Lee’s new film Oldboy, don’t ask yourself why central character Joe Doucett  was set free. It’s pointless to even ask why he was imprisoned in the first place. The real question is: why remake this movie?

Seriously, what was it about the experience of watching Chan-wook Park’s 2003 masterpiece of punishment that made Spike Lee want to make his own version? Did he see things he thought needed improvement? Thought the US audience wouldn’t sit through subtitles? Or more likely, thought we needed a watered down, moralistic version?

The thing about the original Oldboy it that you just can’t unsee that film. There’s no way to watch the reboot without comparing. If you haven’t seen the original, then you still have the fresh perspective on the mystery unraveling, as Joe finds himself strangely incarcerated for 20 years, then even more mysteriously set free.

But if you have seen the original, then you, like me, may have wailed aloud the first time you heard someone planned to make an English language version, certain as you were that they would gut the tale, sterilize it, tidy it up, give it heart.

But then you saw the first couple ads for Lee’s version, and you thought – well, good cast (Josh Brolin, Sam Jackson, Elizabeth Olsen, Sharlto Copley). And the ads suggested a very close approximation to the original. But in your heart you knew Brolin was no Min-sik Choi and Lee is no Chan-wook Park.

Obviously, both are extremely talented, but the film is a mismatch to their particular gifts. Lee struggles to find a tone, and while Brolin’s transformation impresses, it feels stale and safe when compared to the mania Choi brought to the role.

Most damagingly, screenwriter Mark Protosevich is not up to the task of adapting the original screenplay, or the manga that spawned it.

No, apparently we need a heart. We need a hero. We need a straightforward story where, though details are lurid, lessons are learned. Tidied where it shouldn’t be, sloppy elsewhere (Copley could really have dialed down the Dr. Evil), Oldboy has trouble on every front.

Plot summary for a review of Oldboy will not stand. Even a neutered, disappointing retread deserves to keep all its secrets intact. But Lee and Protosevich pull punch after punch that Park landed with relish, and their reigned-in, moralistic mess of a film won’t satisfy newcomers or fans.

Verdict-2-0-Stars

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vd20pywMXuY

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Sayles’s Sisters Deserved Better

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Go For Sisters

by Hope Madden

Writer/director John Sayles has built a career on character driven independents and stories that tell uniquely American tales. His latest, Go for Sisters, is a simply stated effort about the value of hard-won relationships.

LisaGay Hamilton plays Bernice, a no-nonsense parole officer who bends her strident ways when her childhood friend Fontayne (an exceptional Yolanda Ross) becomes her client. Fontayne recently found herself in the company of a felon, which breaks her parole. But where Fontayne lives, felons are just about the only company possible to keep.

Fontayne knows the score, predicting Bernice’s thoughts based on prior experience. “This sorry girl ain’t got her shit together. We gon’ have to lock her up some more.”

To Fontayne’s surprise, Bernice relents. But where Bernice should reassign Fontayne to another parole officer, instead she enlists her help to find her own missing son, an ex-soldier gone missing and likely mixed up in something dodgy.

Though both performances, and that of Edward James Olmos as the retired cop helping them track the missing man, are very strong, Sayles strings together scenes with no panache at all, creating something akin to TV detective show. The plot is so plainly laid out that it becomes an afterthought, no doubt because Sayles’s interest lies with the characters, not their adventure. But the audience has to feel compelled by both.

The adventure contains too many clandestine meetings and coincidences for the investigation to carry the weight of authenticity, and Sayles never mines for real plot-driven tension. It’s far too light a touch given the circumstances of the kidnapping.

Instead, Sayles wonders about the reasons the two women lost each other twenty years ago, and the paths they took to such different lives, and then come back to each other. Theirs is a poignant and probably very familiar kind of struggle, and it deserves our attention. It’s just too bad Sayles had to drag us all across the American Southwest and into Mexico to discover it.

 

Verdict-2-5-Stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5w0mA6Sg_gs

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Calling Mr. Plow!

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by George Wolf

 

Though the animated landscape has become more crowded since the days of Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, musicals remain solid Disney turf. Their newest is Frozen, and while not quite on par with the classics, it still offers plenty to delight the entire family.

Based on story elements from Hans Christian Andersen’s The Snow Queen, Frozen tells the tale of young Queen Elsa (Idina Menzel) and her sister, Princess Anna (Kristen Bell). The Queen has mysterious powers she struggles to control, and they have caused her kingdom to suffer under the ice and snow of a permanent winter. In sad desperation, Elsa has isolated herself in a faraway ice castle, which leads Anna, along with her friend Kristoff (Jonathan Groff) and a goofy snowman named Olaf (Josh Gad) on a quest to find the Queen and save the kingdom.

With its big-eyed princesses in peril, dashing gentlemen, wise-cracking sidekicks, and soaring odes to empowerment, Frozen feels instantly familiar. Beyond those Disney benchmarks, though, there is some irony in the casting of Menzel, who won a Tony award for originating the role of Elphaba in the stage musical Wicked.

The similarity of the character names (Elsa, Elphaba), the unfair labeling of Elsa as “evil,” and the preeminence of a sisterly relationship over the search for Prince Charming all contribute toward a winning narrative assembled from some shrewdly familiar parts.

Of course, none of these elements are above rehashing, especially in the land of fairy tales. Disney veterans Jennifer Lee and Chris Buck, sharing story and directing duties, weave them all into a fast-paced, funny adventure that will, if the audience at a recent preview screening was any indication, totally captivate the young ones.

The 3D animation is often gorgeous, as the chilly setting gives the animators ample opportunity to impressively explore drifting show or glistening ice. Inside, Anna dances past framed paintings, a clever reminder of the added dimension these artists are deftly employing.

Musically, the husband and wife team of Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez fill Frozen with original songs that are pleasing, if a bit unremarkable. While there’s no “Be Our Guest” or “Circle of Life” here, Menzel’s voice remains a wonder to behold no matter the material, and Bell, an accomplished singer in her own right, shows impressive versatility.

Though he’s no match melodically, Gad steals the film as the daffy Olaf. Putting his unique voice to good use with some inspired delivery, he makes a funny character even more fun, and Frozen steps more lively whenever he’s near.

Now, the big question:  how are they going to recreate this frozen tundra for the theme park tie-in in Orlando?

I’m sure those wicked minds will think of something…

 

 

Verdict-3-5-Stars

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1ieZ4f-DqM

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Of Faith and Forgiveness

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Philomena

by Hope Madden

Not so very long ago in Ireland, unwed mothers were deemed unfit to raise their children. The “sinners” and their offspring were relinquished to the charge of the nuns, confined to convents around the country to work off their debt to the church and watch as their babies were given to more “deserving” Catholics. Philomena Lee was one of these beleaguered young mums, and Steve Coogan (of all people!) decided her tale would make a great buddy picture.

I’m sorry, what?

Well, weirdly enough, his instincts were not too far off the mark. Coogan and Jeff Pope adapted the book The Lost Child of Philomena Lee, written by Martin Sixsmith.  With Stephen Frears at the helm and the great Dame Judi Dench in the lead, Coogan’s cooked up a surprisingly buoyant depiction of what, by all accounts, should be a devastating tale.

Coogan plays Sixsmith, the world-wearied political journalist who stoops to writing Philomena’s human interest story out of desperation. As he and Philomena attempt to track down the child she was forced to give up nearly 50 years before, an odd couple road picture develops.

It’s a strange structure for an enlightening bit of nonfiction about a systemic abuse of power and of faith – one that, through the pair’s sleuthing, uncovers a fascinating parallel with a more modern crisis of shame and secrecy.

Coogan’s script is sharp, funny and layered, and Frears’s direction settles into a decidedly understated presentation of content that would so easily become maudlin or melodramatic. But let’s be honest, Dench is the reason to see Philomena.

As always, she carves out such a unique and real character that the term acting feels too cumbersome to describe her work. Her natural presence and effervescent depiction are a perfect offset for Coogan’s cynical detachment, and the warm chemistry the two share is infectious.

In fact, there are times that the cheery tone feels almost dismissive of the deep injustice uncovered in the story.

In 2002, writer/director Peter Mullan produced the film The Magdalene Sisters, an emotional wallop of a movie that told of Ireland’s shameful not-so-distant treatment of unwed mothers and other girls deemed disreputable by their church and families. It’s a powerful film, but compared to Philomena, it’s a bit like being beaten about the head and neck.

Instead, Philomena uses one woman’s resilience to set the tone of a film not about tragedy, but about forgiveness and redemption. It doesn’t always work, but it’s an honorable attempt.

 

Verdict-3-5-Stars

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvIytgxq8QI

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Look What’s Cookin’ on the Homefront

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Homefront

by Hope Madden

Those of you heading to Homefront looking for your typical Jason Statham film are in for a shock. Statham never disrobes. Not at all. He never even strips down to a wife beater.

Otherwise, yeah – exactly what you expect. Statham’s a retired undercover cop looking to settle down somewhere quiet and rural to raise his daughter. But a local meth dealer stirs up trouble, and Statham’s Phil Broker has to set things straight…with his shirt on!

The film, penned by Statham’s buddy Sylvester Stallone from Chuck Logan’s novel, offers a comeuppance fantasy rooted in a very modern American problem – that our rural areas are now more likely to house meth dens than chicken coops. What can we do about it? I mean, besides create an excuse for a good, decent, law abiding dad to find the bastards responsible and beat them to death?

Statham is Statham – unrepentantly British, steely-eyed, quick with his wit and even quicker with an elbow to the face. Kudos to Kate Bosworth as a white trash tweaker and prize winning mom. Not only is Bosworth physically perfect for the role (eat a sandwich, please!), but she actually acts, giving some heft to her scenes.

Winona Ryder also inexplicably co-stars. Why are these two taking tiny parts in a disposable action flick? It’s sad, really, but where Bosworth digs in and performs, Ryder waffles and grimaces instead of acting. Too bad, because she shares most of her scenes with James Franco, and that seems like it could be a pretty nutty experience.

Franco plays Gator, town meth king. Unsurprisingly, he’s the most interesting thing the film has going for it. He’s a very natural presence – no false bravado, no stilted movie-actor-villain-toughness. His Gator is kind of a weirdo. Whether that’s why the role works for Franco, or whether that’s because Franco is in the role is hard to tell, but it’s certainly a big perk for this film.

Between Franco’s goofiness and Bosworth’s performance, Homefront does actually contain enough surprises to freshen the tired concept to a watchable degree. That’s not so much a recommendation as a consolation, but hey, at least it’s something.

 

Verdict-2-5-Stars

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kupgq9utzE8

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Because “Insemination Man” Was Just Tacky…

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by George Wolf

 

Delivery Man wants very badly to be that magical “feel good movie of the year.”

I’d like to play right field for the Cleveland Indians.

Both have an equal chance of happening.

Delivery Man is director/co-writer Ken Scott‘s near shot-for-shot remake of his 2011 French Canadian release Starbuck, and it casts Vince Vaughn as David, a NYC slacker who learns that, in about nine months, his 534th child will be born.

Seems that years ago, David earned quite a bit of money doing quite a bit of manual labor at a sperm bank. Through some unethical misappropriation of bank “funds,” he is the biological father of 533 people, many of whom have banded together for a lawsuit in hopes of overturning confidentiality agreements and learning their father’s identity.

At the same time, David’s long-suffering girlfriend Emma (Cobie Smulders) announces she’s pregnant, and so it’s time for an absurdly manipulative lesson on the importance of family. Check that, the importance of fathers, as the mothers of all these sperm bank kids are barely an afterthought.

The funny thing is, it’s not even funny, as the film focuses instead on exploiting your soft spot for family bonds during the Holiday season.  David gets a file with bios of many of his kids, so he begins acting as a “guardian angel,” dropping by incognito to instantly solve a young women’s drug habit or to be the caring soul a severely disabled boy has always needed. If there is a heartstring available, Delivery Man tries to pull it.

Vaughn’s usual crutches aren’t the problem. For the first time in a long time, he doesn’t just do the Vince Vaughn schtick, and appears interested in actual acting.

Trouble is, there’s nothing of substance for Vaughn, or us, to cling to. The film never seems more than a weak collection of sitcom moments, rendering Delivery Man little more than an empty carton of schmaltz.

 

Verdict-2-0-Stars