Tag Archives: Star Trek

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The Frontier Strikes Back

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Star Trek Beyond

by George Wolf

Kirk. Spock. Bones. Wisecracks, a villain, and some heroic space swashbuckling. We’re pretty familiar with the Star Trek setup by now, and three flicks into the J.J. Abrams-fueled reboot, the latest seems the most comfortable in its journey. And though Star Trek Beyond doesn’t quite boldly go, it is a fun, satisfying ride.

Three years into a five-year mission, the crew of the Enterprise stops for some downtime at an immense new space station. Kirk (Chris Pine) in awaiting a promotion, Spock (Zachary Quinto) is mulling a return home to Vulcan, and Bones (Karl Urban), good God, man, he has some fun needling Spock about a botched romance with Uhura (Zoe Saldana).

The gang gets back in action to answer the distress call of a stranded crew, but falls into the trap of the Kahn-like Krall (Idris Elba), who’s after a very powerful artifact that Kirk just happens to be holding.

Fast and Furious vet Justin Lin takes over for Abrams in the director’s chair and, working with a snappy script co-written by Simon Pegg (“Scotty”), has the film feeling like a fun Trek TV episode beamed up to the multiplex.

Though the adventure is a little tardy getting its legs, things only get better as they go along. The banter is crisp, the derring-do daring, and the chemistry of the ensemble, so important in a franchise such as this, is undeniable.

Spectacular only in spots, what Beyond does best is honor its own heritage while planning for the future. The nods to its TV past run from cheesy to ingenious, even finding a clever way to acknowledge the effect the entire Star Trek phenomenon has had on popular culture.

After the trying-too-hard reach of Into Darkness, Star Trek Beyond strikes just the right note. More of this? I’m on board.

Verdict-3-5-Stars

 

 

Outtakes

Counting Down with Pride (and Jon Theiss!)

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It’s time to celebrate Stonewall Columbus Pride Festival in Columbus, and the town is absolutely giddy. Gay, even. But how can anyone properly celebrate without our former The Other Paper colleague, the genius behind the column That’s So Gay (pause here to picture the unicorn/rainbow logo), Jon Billy Theiss? Well, that’s a conundrum, and one we weren’t willing to face. So we brought him back to help us celebrate by counting down Hollywood’s five gayest “straight” films.

 5. Interview with the Vampire (1994)

Vampires have been fabulous since Nosferatu, but when Tom Cruise bit Brad Pitt’s neck, heterosexual women the world over finally understood the straight man’s girl-on-girl fixation.

Jon says:

Vampires have always represented weird penetration allegories and the bourgeoisie’s penchant for wearing knee-highs and gaudy cocktail rings, so it makes sense that pint-size primadonna Tom Cruise would spend the majority of the movie wearing iridescent vests and a sun-kissed fingerwave.

 

4. Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

Spock, do you know why Kirk nearly died and nearly killed his entire crew to save you? Because he loves you. Love him back, you cold bastard!

Jon says:

Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto could co-star in a Judd Apatow movie called These Heterosexual Men Love Touching Boobies and it would still be gayer than My Own Private Idaho.

 

3. The Lost Boys (1987)

Sure, David (Keiffer Sutherland) spends the whole film trying to seduce Michael (Jason Patric), but you had us at the Rob Lowe poster on Corey Haim’s bedroom wall.

Jon says:

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman: The closest thing Hollywood ever got to twincest.

 

2. 300 (2006)

Do you like gladiator movies? How about men with ridiculous abs wearing little more than capes and jewelry?  You’ll love 300.

Jon says:

This sword-crossing fantasy finally answers the question: Was antiquity really that gay? Yes. Yes it was.

 

1.Top Gun (1986)

The locker rooms? Iceman’s playful bite? Kelly McGillis as the love interest? The title? The only way this could have been gayer is if Harvey Fierstein played the volleyball coach. And even then, only a little.

Jon says:

Top Gun’s slow-motion baby-oil-fueled beach scenes, coupled with a cinematographer who’s glued to Val Kilmer’s body like your weird uncle who doesn’t blink during Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders performances, got me through puberty. These brilliant celluloid moments notwithstanding, Cruise’s other epic metaphor for gay sex, Days of Thunder, inspired my favorite post-coital victory cheer: “Rubbin’s racin’!”

 

Thanks, buddy! We miss you! Happy Pride everyone!

Outtakes

Outtakes: Revenge of the Nerdy Movies

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Space log June 27, 1966. Jeffrey Jacob Abrams is born. His purpose: to make nerds feel cool. To succeed he will need to drink at their teat, study their bible, learn their ways and still maintain his hipster sheen. Only then will he be able to rethink and re-present their culture. He will begin here.

5. Tron (1982)

This was almost Harry Potter, but one of the brethren – a computer programmer/coder who role played throughout high school – said no. Tron was the film we wanted, the film Abrams would need to study, philosophize about, fantasize about. Isn’t Tron simply the video game Pong with day glo cycle suits, you ask? That sound you hear? The brethren scoffing at your naïveté.

4. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

Of the four options, why is The Hobbit the chosen, the precious? Because 3D and IMAX technology aren’t enough for uber-nerd Peter Jackson. His vision requires the added dimension of a High Frame Rate. How high? Forty eight frames per second, bitches – because twice as high is just enough.

3.  Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

If a young Abrams didn’t refer to himself as a Knight who says Ni, well, all is lost, isn’t it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LG1PlkURjxE

2. Star Wars series (1977 onward)

The teat. Abrams will next attempt to cast his spell and reboot this franchise. Is it the nerdiest of all? Some years ago, ace reporter Triumph the Insult Comic Dog chatted up a group of Star Wars fans who were strong with the nerd force. He asked one, who was in full Darth Vader regalia, “Which one of these buttons calls your parents to come pick you up?” The prosecution rests.

1. Star Trek (a 5-year mission extends into the unknowable future)

The bible. The original TV series would have been enough, but the cult was so strong it brought forth numerous films and TV spinoffs. Now Abrams has rebooted the whole thing, making it cool while simultaneously re-introducing Tribbles and sparking arguments about why Khan doesn’t have an accent and Carol Markus does. And Pike can’t really be dead, right?

Feel like bathing in the nectar of nerdery? Back to back to back to back….trailers, and Orson Welles narrates the original!