Villain Diaries: The Cook

There’s a lot of recipes for bar-b-que, but you’re gonna wanna eat mine. I promise! Good old Texas BBQ the way Grandpa taught me. There was nobody better’n ol’ Grandpa. Did it the old fashioned way. He even kilt the meat. Give it a respectable killing too, not like they do nowadays.

Now, I can’t take no pleasure in killing. Don’t have the heart for it. The suffering, now, that I don’t mind.

And I know something about feeding a family on a budget. I got two sons to feed. Hungry fellas. Sometimes they need some discipline. I have to give ‘em the stick! But most days, my barbeque quiets ‘em down. They even like to help, dumb as they are.

Even Grandpa still likes a taste! He’ll suck a bone clean. There’s nothing like a family dinner. And my bbq recipe, why, it won’t break the bank. 

Start with the meat. Any kind will do, really, so long as you give it a good killing. And you use all the parts. You can even boil the head for head cheese. You can even find use for the skin, the bones. My boys, they’re artistic like. But me, I stick to what I know: barbeque.

I like it smoked. Saves on electricity. The cost of electricity is enough to drive a man out of business! So, you need a good smoke stack and some hooks. Steel hooks, any kind of hook big enough to hold the meat. Then a good fire, let it hang there and cook in its juices. That’s what makes it tender, a good old fashioned hooking! 

And the sauce, well, the sauce, that’s just odds and ends, whatever’s handy. It’s the meat that counts. Good piece of meat, fresh, killed proper and smoked to bring out its flavor. Nothing, I mean nothing, beats some good old fashioned Texas barbeque.

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

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