Waltzing with Brando
by Hope Madden
Just about one year ago, images surfaced of Billy Zane on set as Marlon Brando for the film Waltzing with Brando. Zane’s an underappreciated talent relegated for decades to mostly B-movie hell. Brando is, naturally, a fascinating topic for a biopic. And Zane looked remarkably like him. Hello, cautious optimism.
Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) plays Bernard Judge, the LA architect who heads to Tahiti to build Zane’s Brando an ecologically pristine hideaway on an uninhabitable island. Director Bill Fishman adapts Judge’s memoir of the years-long relationship—the hijinks, the struggles, the personal journey from square to somewhat rounded but thoroughly tanned.
It’s awful.
Because the arc we follow is Judge’s, Brando—easily and obviously the most interesting presence—is a supporting character. A magical figure, unknowable and wise and often nude, Buddha like, he exists only to enlighten our hero. Fully 35% of the film consists of Brando saying something vague and odd, Judge staring wide-eyed and confused at him, or Judge saying something stupid, Brando laughing amiably at him. The two then eye each other as if some wisdom must be passing, either between the two of them or between them and us. And scene.
It’s awful. I know I’ve said that but it more than bears repeating.
Heder often breaks the 4th wall, giving the viewer a little aside or comment. Judge is asking us to join him on his journey because we could relate. It seems like a sound narrative choice given the undeniable fact that we would all have more in common with this earnest, uptight nobody than we would with Marlon Brando. But the writing is so profoundly cloying, the performances so community-theater superficial, and the scenes so needlessly drawn out and sanitized that the result is unbearable.
To make an audience want to get to know an architect when Marlon Brando is right there is a potentially insurmountable task for a director, and Fishman is by no means up to the task. He surrounds the two men with countless one-dimensional caricatures of beautiful islanders, tricky islanders, benevolent islanders, and the inescapable long-suffering but supportive wife (Alaina Huffman) and precocious daughter (played by Zane’s daughter, Ava).
For his part, Zane delivers an impish and entertaining turn, though he’s never once asked to act, to find anything inside the provocative figure. We learn nothing about Marlon Brando, and honestly, very little about Bernard Judge. Tahiti looks nice, though.
