I realize that I have neglected to keep you up to date on the breathlessly fascinating world of the young telephone sales folk in the pod outside my office door, affectionately known by me as The Chirpers. The negligence! So, rather than work five full days last week, I spent most of one day eavesdropping. Before you judge remember– they sit right outside my door and talk incessant inanities. I’m not made of stone.
Anyway, here’s the blow by blow.
Chirper #1: I’m really trying to lose three pounds.
Three pounds. A conversation about three pounds. Hey, I know! Maybe walk away from my office to burn off those lbs!
Chirper #2: No you don’t!
Chirper #1: I’m really super stoked about it. Look! It’s a power hot yoga.
Chirper #2: Let me have that website!
This looks to be a productive day all around.
Chirper #2: I got home last night and everything was gone. Every cup, every bowl. I mean, the china bowls, but even the plastic. I mean, it was hers, but she just got married and she got all this free stuff. She doesn’t need it. I was such a good friend to her. I did so much for her. And now she does this.
Oh my God, the tragedy! After getting all that free stuff for getting married, she pulls something as heinous as packing her own belongings and leaving the chirper without plasticware! Honestly, how did she even manage to face the day? The courage…
Chirper #3: The stuff is so cute. Aqua, purple…
C#1: My gosh, look at this…
C#3: The dresses are so darling!
C#1: Uch, an hour and a half of shopping. I just don’t really get anything done before noon
I’d insert a snide comment, but I have also gotten nothing done. Damn their fascinating idiocy!
C#1: Wait, do you have nuts over here?
C#2: Yep. In those clear drawers there’s walnuts and almonds.
C#1: Thanks, babe.
Forgot those three pounds already? Oh, well, hot power yoga and all, babe.
C#1: Three of her kids’ birthdays are today.
C#2: How many does she have?
C#2: And wait, three have the same birthday? I didn’t know that.
Wait, I hear something in that “yep.” This is going somewhere.
C#2: So, what is nine months before that that they always do it?
C#1: Let’s look. So it would be nine months to the day, right?
Mischievous AND biologically unaware. These two are hot today.
C#2: Ha ha ha ha. The guarantee day.
C#3: What is it you say, it’s like pushing a watermelon through something? It’s a saying. People say it. It’s like pushing a watermelon through something. It’s like an analogy or something. I can’t think of it. I’m bored.
You tell me, how am I expected to concentrate with monologues like this one unraveling outside my door?
C#2: No. They’re doing it wrong. Your leg should be level. You’re doing it the right way. I have to say, this is very cheerleaderesque.
C#1: I cannot even deal with you. You are the skinniest little….
C#3: I know. You are.
The three of them were looking at images online and physically mimicking whatever it was they were seeing, striking poses (hot yoga?) and congratulating each other for looking better than the image. During the work day. Within eyeshot of everyone in the office. You have to almost admire them.
C#1: Oh my God, I have been literally on the phone all day!
C#2: I know!
I’m sorry – what? Do you mean that you were sitting on top of the phone itself? Because that is actually possible, given the amount of work you’ve accomplished, but it is not what you mean, given that you do not understand the definition of the word “literally”.